Loving and Supporting Your Missionary Friend, as They Go

I recently met up with my friend Carrie Selby, who is currently raising support to serve as a missionary in Scotland with 20schemes.  During our conversation about her preparations, it reminded me of an email I received a few years back from Kourtney Nance (who is now preparing to go to Guatemala).  She wrote: “{God has} been teaching me about supporting and encouraging those in my close circle of friends that have been called to spread the Gospel among the nations… As you prepared to move first to China and then to South Korea, how would you say those whom you were walking with could best love and support you?” 

Since that time, I have been adding to the answers I initially gave her.  This list is by no means exhaustive, and mostly focuses on preparation before moving (though it extends to how to love and support missionaries on the field or returning too).  If it seems like a “lot of ground to cover,” remember we are talking about a lofty task to move your life overseas.  Discussing it now is often easier and better than when an ocean lies between you. With that said…

How do friends and ministers walk well with those called to live and serve overseas—by not just giving of money, but giving of themselves?  How do churches, home groups, and Sunday school classes support them—as a whole person?  How do I prepare myself, if I am called to live and serve cross-culturally?  Here are some of my experiences, recommendations, and resources—some personal, some practical, some pastoral, some spiritual, and all purposeful: 

OVERVIEW: 

1.)    Encourage your missionary friend to keep walking the narrow ROAD (repentance, obedience, accountability, discipline). 
2.)    Discuss anticipated areas of struggle for your missionary friend, as they live new LIFE overseas (loneliness, integrity, faith, encouragement). 
3.)    Study apologetics together with your missionary friend. 
4.)    Answer the call of the Great Commission with your missionary friend in your own backyard. 
5.)    Extol the greatness of God with your missionary friend today.  
6.)    Embrace kingdom culture and heavenly citizenship with your missionary friend. 
7.)    Let your missionary friend learn to grieve, as they encounter loss. 
8.)    Learn to fight well with your missionary friend.  
9.)    Learn to minister to each other—body, spirit, and soul. 
10.)  Chart all “9 Planets” of your missionary friend’s new solar system. 
11.)  Ask about the transitional needs of your missionary friend during the “between.” 
12.)  Be excited for your missionary friend before they leave…But please be welcoming when your missionary friend returns. 

{Note: I outline here 12 big categories.  If you are walking with someone who is called to serve in cross-cultural ministry overseas (read this if you are discerning that call), you may consider committing to meet with them once a week for 12 weeks, to pray about, discuss, and work through each of these.} 

Encourage your missionary friend to keep walking the narrow ROAD.  As a missionary, you may feel alone a lot, especially in your first few years.  If you don’t have a good understanding of shepherding your own soul, you can quickly fall into persistent sin in your isolation.  Therefore, learning how to recognize sin and then make proactive steps to flee, confess, and kill it is crucial.  Four scriptural safeguards to keep you on the narrow ROAD (Matthew 7:13-14) include —repentance, obedience, accountability, discipline. 

When discussing Repentance, ask: “How do you plan to experience victory over revealed sin?”  Peter Adler once wrote: “The transitional experience begins with the encounter of another culture and evolves into the encounter with self.”  You expect to encounter the “best you” on the mission field, but you often discover the “worst you” in the midst of the stresses.  We need a strategy then to address the public self (what everyone knows), private self (what only you know), deceived self (what blind spots that others see, but you don’t), and hidden self (what only God knows). 

When discussing Obedience, ask: “Do you tend to act immediately, or do you keep delaying obedience—which is disobedience?”  The first year is not only about language and cultural adaptation—it is also {still} about sanctification.  Don’t expect to take a break or hang out from personal growth.  God will still be committed to developing your character.  It’s His stated will (1 Thessalonians 4:3).  Leaving your passport country is just the first step; truly entering into your host culture is the real sacrifice.

When discussing Accountability, ask: “What will you do with your money and ministry when no one is looking?”  Consider what Accountability requires: vulnerability (a willingness to reveal weaknesses); teachability (a desire to learn and change); availability (a commitment to being there when needed); and honesty (a practice of telling the truth).

When discussing Discipline, ask: “What are you doing with your time when no one is looking?”  Learn the spiritual disciplines.  They have been framed in several ways:  such as Inward (Meditation, Prayer, Fasting, Study); Outward (Simplicity, Solitude, Submission, Silence); and Corporate (Confession, Worship, Guidance, Celebration).  Begin practicing them before you go.  More on 12 Disciplines here.

As one of my former church elders Bob Hamp said: “The thing about dying to self—it feels like death!”  Expect to die to self on the mission field, in new ways.  I recommend going through a ministry like Step Studies as a model for personal repentance and daily cross-bearing. 

Discuss anticipated areas of struggle for your missionary friend, as they live new LIFE overseas.  The way is hard that leads to life (Matthew 7:14).  Jesus wants us to continue to choose life-giving community when we inevitably face loneliness, when our integrity and faith come under fire, and when discouragement sets in.  Consider this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Let him who cannot be alone beware of community.  Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.”

A missionary should be prepared to encounter Loneliness. {Will you spend time abiding in Him?}  Your Integrity will be challenged. {Will you be careful to report the truth back home?} Your Faith will be tested.  {Will you see past fear and feeling, and walk according to faith?}  Your will dearly need Encouragement.  {Will you seek out the prayers and support of others?}  Missionaries need true Christian friendship that can: affirm without being judgmental; ask tough questions in love; accept our strengths and weaknesses; and allow us freedom while caring about our decisions. 

Study apologetics together with your missionary friend.  Missionaries face language barriers and lack of knowledge about faith and the Bible, especially in unreached or closed areas.  Learning how to communicate the “whole counsel of God” (Acts 20:27) simply and effectively—boiling down big truths into pictures and analogies and stories—is important. I once read an apologist who said he knew the Gospel is true because it can be explained so simply that a child may understand and believe; yet is so filled with complexity that it can astound the greatest thinkers and leave them lost in wonder, love, and praise.  I actually know of no better way to grow in this than to participate in ministry to children.  I once heard it said: children are the greatest spiritual harvest each week at church.  In reaching their hearts, you have to overcome language (by simplifying) and short attention span (by creatively communicating).  The same goes for ministry overseas. 

Learning to tear down anticipated arguments against God in a spirit of gentleness is also very important (2 Timothy 2:24-26).  Consider 2 Timothy 2:15 – “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” Consider also 1 Peter 3:15—“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.”  Study Acts 17:16-34—Paul at the Areopagus in Athens, where he uses their own religious background and quotes their own poetry to share about biblical truth.  These are all aspects of apologetics.  I have learned a lot in this from apologists like C.S. Lewis (“Mere Christianity”), Tim Keller (“The Reason for God”), and Ravi Zacharias. 

Answer the call of the Great Commission with your missionary friend in your own backyard.  Jesus told His disciples (now us): “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20). Note, He did not say to simply make converts or create church-goers.  Instead, there is a call to disciple-making.  That is something that merits prayer, discussion, and study.  It apparently involves church-planting (baptizing and teaching ALL he taught), with His help and presence.

In “The Master Plan of Evangelism,” Robert E. Coleman makes the following observation:  “In fact, where fruit bearing is seen in its larger context of reproducing the Christ life in human personality, first in ourselves and then in others, practically everything the Master said and did pointed to this principle” (93).  It is our divine purpose to reproduce the Christ life in others.  In a real sense, this is a great working definition of discipleship.

Because discipleship takes place best in community, a missionary may lead a small group.  How does one go about forming and discipling a group?  The answer can be varied, and the outcome often messy.  According to Coleman, we can find 8 principles from the life of Christ for effective disciple-making.  Note that these are not steps, but are principles working together toward the goal of fruit bearing: Selection, Association, Consecration, Impartation, Demonstration, Delegation, Supervision, and Reproduction.  Talk about this and do it together.  Read Coleman’s excellent book, and study the passages he exposits. 

Extol the greatness of God with your missionary friend today.  While a lot has been said about the Great Commission, there is still more to be shared about the greatness of God.  Knowing who He is—loving who He is—is a sustaining grace on the mission field.  We begin with the Great Commandment—to love Him with all that we are, and (like it) to love our neighbor as ourselves.  I was able to teach my youth class in Korea about the A-Z attributes of God.  It was amazing to proclaim, and watch them repeat, 26 truths that made us say: “How great is our God!  Alleluia, what a Savior!” 

Jesus said “All authority is given me,” pointing to His greatness.  He also promised His great presence with us, to be with us always—to never leave or forsake us.  We also see His Great Compassion in passages like Matthew 9:35-38, where He reveals His heart as the good Shepherd, and Matthew 25:34-40, where the Shepherd will separate the sheep from the goats based on their treatment of the “least of these” (i.e. Him).  Other saints have pointed out the Great Calling to take up our cross and follow Him (Matthew 16:24).  That comes with Great Cost (Matthew 24:9-14)—trials and suffering.  However, it is all worth it, for losing your life for His sake is like selling it all for one pearl of Great Price (Matthew 13:45-46).

Also, we have the great example of Jesus in foot-washing (John 13:12-17), displaying that the greatest in the Kingdom is the servant of all.  My friend Adam Thomason shared: “Before the great commission, there was the Great Appointment, {where} he bestowed preaching and spiritual authority” (Mark 3:13-15).  A missionary may take more of a role in leading church gatherings.  What do you plan to teach about Baptism, a display of the great transfer from darkness to light, and the Lord’s Supper, a symbol of the Great Supper to come?

As for spiritual authority, most missionaries come to understand the ministry of the Holy Spirit in a new and deeper way, as well.  Indeed, I call Him our Great Advantage (John 16:4-25).  We have been given an anointing of power to be His witnesses (Acts 1:8).  Spiritual warfare is a real thing, and intercessory prayer is critical on the frontlines.  What is the missionary’s strategy to wrestle, not with flesh and blood, but “against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12)?

I love what Melissa Lampe shared online.  She is teaching children: “The Holy Spirit reminds God's children of what Jesus has said.  He helps us when we doubt by reminding us the truth of Jesus.  The Holy Spirit teaches God's children all they need to know to serve and follow God. He loves to teach God's children.  The Holy Spirit convicts of sin. He helps God's children see places where they are not trusting, not valuing or not obeying God and leads them to repentance.  He delights to do so.  The Holy Spirit strengthens the prayers of God's children. He takes our weak prayers and makes them strong.”

We also know He is the: Spirit of Power (He gives us boldness for witness); Spirit of Truth (He provides the right words at the right times); Comforter (He speaks to hearts like no one else can); Helper (He makes a way where this is no seeming way); and Healer (He gives gifts to minister to the whole person and to make a full Body).  Nevertheless, we do not rejoice simply about spiritual power, but that our “names are written in heaven” (Luke 20:17-20)—our Great Salvation!

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the Great Love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:4-10). Enjoy this Great Truth with your missionary friend, and help them walk in the good works prepared for them. 

Embrace kingdom culture and heavenly citizenship with your missionary friend.  Teach about Kingdom culture—remind each other that our citizenship is now in heaven.  Our passport country is heaven; our host country is earth (Philippians 3:20).  Culture can be defined as: “A set of beliefs people hold about how things should be and how a person should behave” (credit: CURE).  It is a combination of values (what is important; matters of good, better, and best), beliefs (how the world works; matters of right versus wrong), and norms (the way of doing things). One must learn to distinguish personal values; cultural, traditional, or organizational values; conscience values; and biblical absolutes.

As Americans, we carry ideas that can be detrimental on the mission field.  We often say that we are a “melting pot culture” – and carry the idea that, since we are a combo of many cultures, we can easily relate to any culture in the world—that we are above culture.  However, America is a fully developed country.  We now have a distinct culture of our own.  That culture is not loved everywhere in the world.    We also think if terms of “meet me halfway” – and carry the idea that, since we made the sacrifice to leave our country, we should therefore be accepted with open arms.  However, the call is not simply to leave America, but to enter another culture.  We are coming over, often uninvited—and thus assume the full responsibility of entering their world (as Christ left heaven, to enter earth).

Entering a culture requires: acceptance (recognize and accept difference), openness (understand and appreciate difference), flexibility (adjust and adapt to differences), trust (grounded in discernment), and hope (seeing nationals from God’s perspective).  It isn’t necessary to always emphasize difference.  That can overlook our common ancestor in Adam, our shared likeness of God, and our common purpose to glorify God.  It can breed racism.  The mission field often exposes hidden prejudice.

I can personally testify—culture shock is REAL.  {So is reverse culture shock, upon returning “home” to your passport country.}  It can be shocking when the culture we’re in does not hold the views which we have always known.  You may feel fascination (look at that!), frustration (I don’t know what or how to do anything), rejection or regression (why can’t they do it my way), until also acceptance (I can learn to laugh about this).  The first year “adjustment cycle” is often taught in terms of pre-trip (Am I doing the right thing?), to honeymoon phase (I love it!), to culture shock (I hate it!), to re-settlement (I’m trying), to after-shock (this again?), until it becomes your new normal.

On the overseas mission field, I also came to see the Bible as a missionary manual on addressing cross-cultural conflict (especially 1 and 2 Corinthians) in love.  Some of Paul’s instructions related to considering others make even MORE sense when thinking about culture clash.  I really liked this post by Andy Naselli and J. D. Crowley which states: “The Bible gives clear evidence that God intends the little clashes of culture in your church to prepare you for the really difficult clashes of culture in missions and evangelism. The local church is supposed to be that laboratory” (The Greatest Missionary of All Time).

Live out cultural exchange now—see the beauty of every nation, tribe, and tongue.  Consider taking your home group, including your missionary friend, to a restaurant where the sign is in another language, and you don’t recognize anything on the menu.  It’s a taste of mission life—and a glimpse of heaven to see all walks gathered around a table.  This world is not our home, and we are called to be ambassadors of a greater Kingdom.  Embracing that today with your missionary friends will help them before they face it firsthand overseas. 

Let your missionary friend learn to grieve, as they encounter loss.  Consider what missionaries experience at first, and how it causes real feelings of loss, including losing: a stable home environment, feeling of safety, feelings of competence, sense of identity, immediate support system, and sense of goal achievement.  I remember being overwhelmed going to the grocery store, after getting lost on the way there, being unsure of what anything was (as labels were not in English), trying to pay with unfamiliar money, and then watching the taxi driver peel off with my groceries before I could get them out of the back (likely purposefully).  I needed a good cry that day!  If you have never seen your friend cry or open up about emotions—be concerned.  We must learn to share. Culture shock can feel like losing a loved one.  Yet Americans in particular don’t grieve well.  We give one day to be off work, and then we tell each other to “get happy again—get over it and move on.”  That attitude can emotionally kill missionaries. Learn about the 7 stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance). 

Biblically, learn the language of lament and sing about the sacredness of sorrow in worship. Sorrow can be a pathway to joy.  The harvest often grows while watered by the tears of the missionary. “Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!” (Psalm 126:5). I love this quote: “Let go of what you cannot have to make room for what you can have.”  Over time, I learned the spiritual discipline of sorrow: embracing sadness, mourning, and grieving. For a biblical treatment on sorrow and grief, I suggest reading “A Sacred Sorrow” by Michael Card and “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss” by Jerry Sittser. 

Learn to fight well with your missionary friend.  Fact: Conflict will happen overseas!  Do you know the #1 reason missionaries return early?  It’s not the food, conditions, or nationals.  It is due to unexpected conflict arising among team members—leadership or otherwise.  One of the most helpful sessions I ever attended was at MTI in Colorado.  They trained us to identify our conflict style.  Methods of conflict often become personal styles, of which there are five predominant: Competition (Shark): “I Win / You Lose”; Collaboration (Owl): “We All Win”; Compromise (Fox): “We All Win & Lose Something”; Avoidance (Turtle): “We All Save Face”; and Accommodation (Teddy Bear): “You Win / I Lose.”  We learned to view conflict not as a bad thing, but as an opportunity for growth—and to see the wisdom in all of the styles above, appreciating others for how they handle conflict, as well.  Also fact: Blessed are the peacemakers (Matthew 5:9).  Conflict is an inevitable reality in a fallen world—yet also, a great opportunity for witness!  Everyone has room for growth—because we do not yet love perfectly.  I really like this resource called “Lord of the Ring” by Watermark Church. 

Learn to minister to each other—body, spirit, and soul.  I know this trichotomy is scripturally debatable, but it's helpful for this conversation of ministering to the whole person (which is the point).  Sending food or medicine ministers to the body.  Sending prayers or encouraging verses ministers to the spirit.  And sharing jokes, or "remember when" moments, or meaningful stories, or updates about favorite shows or sports--those minister to the soul of personality.  It can be very refreshing too!  After all, some well-meaning people treat missionaries like they are no longer human, but superheroes.  We still need FUN!  Get to know likes and dislikes then—what gifts would they delight to receive in a care package? 

Chart all “9 Planets” of your missionary friend’s new solar system.  Of course, their universe still revolves around the Son.  Yet they are entering a whole new galaxy, of language learning and cultural adaptation.  They are not simply going to “sit around and tell people about Jesus.”  In fact, the relational dynamics of a missionary increases several-fold.  They will rocket ship between Reaching Out (to the unbelievers of the host country); Church Training (with the Christians of the host country); Member Care (of their mission team and community); Short Term Guests (including passport country teams and visitors); Own Family (including home needs, chores; tending to a spouse, children, roommates); Support Work (keeping in touch with friends, family, and supporters from their passport country); Work Responsibilities (with their new host country jobs or ministry tasks); Self Care (in their own rest, fellowship, and soul needs); and Foreign Contacts (with other missionaries from around the world, also serving in the area, or ex-patriates also living there).  Of course, all these worlds have many moons.  Consider asking your missionary friend how they may need support in each of these worlds. 

Ask about the transitional needs of your missionary friend during the “between.”  I often refer to the time between settling on your call and actually getting on that plane as the “barren present”—from glory TO glory, between the past and the future, living in a state of {parenthesis}.  It’s easy to feel stuck between the staying and the going.  Consider asking your missionary friends things like the following: “Are you selling your home, or needing to rent it out?  Do you need a place to stay in the interim?  Are you selling possessions, or needing someone to store them?  Do you need a way around in the interim?  Are you funding yourself or raising funds?  Can I help you keep up the money tallies, contact supporters, draft emails, or do administrative work?  Do you have to quit your job in the interim?  Can I offer you some odd jobs to make some cash in the meantime, or offer to give you some financial help while you wait for support to kick in?”  You will truly be an oasis to your friend in a possible wilderness period. 

Be excited for your missionary friend before they leave (1/2)… Fact is, we often get this backward. When missionaries are leaving, they want people to share their excitement.  Yes, tell us you will miss us.  But also ask us about our mission—about the people, the culture, the language, etc.  Most people love America —A LOT.  So they think—“Oh, you poor thing—you are leaving the greatest country on earth. What a sacrifice.  It must be so hard to leave this place.  Let me pray for you—it will be so hard for you to go.”  Sure, it can be difficult to leave, but reality is—they need more encouragement than mourning, because they are already acutely aware of the pain of leaving.  They need encouragers to help them truly enter their new culture.  Many missionaries can get stuck between two worlds.  In a time when they should be adapting to a new culture and attempting a new language, they spend time online with friends who say, “Come home, come home, come home!”  However, months later, those friends may stop emailing. The missionary is crushed.  They now feel like they lost community back in the U.S., but still have little community in their new home.  Thus, it is important to encourage them often to keep perspective on the mission. Give them permission to love their new country more than America.  It is very freeing! 

…But please be welcoming when your missionary friend returns (2/2).  When a missionary returns, know that reverse culture shock can be even more difficult.  Think about it this way—now friends and family may think: “You are back to the greatest country on earth—the U.S.!  Any discomfort you have will now be swallowed up in (i.e. medicated by) food, culture, and familiarity!  You don’t need much attention.”  That is so wrong!  The book Unearth describes it this way: “It is as if the filing cabinet of your values, spirituality, and goals has been dumped on the floor, and you are in the middle of a scattered mess of yourself.”   You feel like you don’t know who you are or where you belong when you get back.  “Home” takes on a whole new definition.  Truly, the greatest hurt can be feeling failed in our returning.  Few engage us about our struggles there or here.  Encouraging your returning friends to keep looking at Jesus is such a crucial part of ministry to them! 

In closing, let me say on behalf of your missionary friend—THANK YOU for loving, serving, supporting, and walking with them in the preparing, going, and returning. 

Please comment with any additional insights, categories, or resources!  If you’ve been helped by this, please feel free to share with your friend, pastor, leader, or family member.  If I can help you in some way, or if you’d like me to share more in person with your group, feel free to reach out to me via email at paulmatthies@yahoo.com.  I can also send you a PDF of this document.