Seeing such suffering recently, I am reminded again how important it is for the Church to talk about + welcome + shepherd the process of lamentation. That is, cries that find their trust in God. As Americans, we often don't know what to do with grieving.
I know I get labeled as the "feelings" guy, and get asked "can't we just talk about happy things" (ha!) -- but I've felt compelled to study grief (including my own) and how to best walk with others in times of sorrow (and the resulting life changes), because it helps avoid the 3 traps I've seen:
1- SELF-MEDICATION = when we deny our grief and pain, and we turn to only outside things to fill the void (entertainment, food, alcohol, sex, working out, etc) -- and it doesn't fulfill in the end.
2- PAIN-COMPLICATION = when we bottle it all up inside, and at the next loss or the one after (which will happen), we explode in anger or extreme despair -- wrapping it all into one.
3- SELF-IDENTIFICATION = when we no longer remember our identity as a child of God or follower of Christ, but instead give in to blame, bitterness, isolation -- labeling ourselves solely as victim.
Having someone beside us through LAMENTATION, offering presence + perspective + prayers (i.e. hope) can mean a world of difference. Some things I've learned in healthy grieving:
1- NAMING THE LOSS = It's important to acknowledge-- naming what has been lost. This includes grieving the primary loss, and realizing the scope of the secondary losses (which ripple from and often re-awaken the grief). The loss doesn't define our lives, but it does become a part of our story.
2- HONORING THE PROCESS = Grief has different timing and length, depending on the person and loss. It's good to be around those who remove fear of judgment (and not demand you grieve "their way" or "move on") and give freedom from embarrassment (for when you revisit things you feel you should "be over by now"). Though I'd note, if all you hear is "Praise God!" and "I'm good"--be sure they feel permission and room to grieve, and are not trying to mask with forced faith or strength due to perceived pressure or felt timeline to "get over it" or "be superhuman." Jesus wept.
3- SHARING THE EMPATHY = When you face loss, you gain a newfound empathy...and often, community. You identify deeply with others in their sorrow--and often get a new voice and new relationships, as you embrace a new normal (while reconnecting with spiritual community, responsibilities, and everyday life). Giving to others is part of personal healing. Comfort comes to us, so that it flows through us (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
I'm a big fan of recovery programs, but if we first walked (or just sat) better with others during sorrow and suffering--we wouldn't always be speaking to only sin and symptoms. It's okay to cry out. It's okay to grieve. {To God, in hope. -- that's the eventual and eternal aim.} Worship is also offering God my broken heart, and watching Him lovingly accept the pieces (Psalm 51:17). And having God continue to bring the sad, lonely, and hurting into my path has also been one of the greatest privileges in my life.
