Gone Fishing

I am officially on vacation! After four months on the ground, and several busy months leading up to my arrival here (which included a bout with kidney stones)…I am ready for a break. I think it best that I take both physical and mental rest, so that I can give myself wholeheartedly to work and ministry again when I return. This is the blog update for the week. I hope to return with renewed vigor and creativity soon!

I will be spending some time in Seoul, taking in sites and enjoying some new scenery. A comfortable motel room and western food are also on the docket! I will be away until next weekend, and I don’t know what type of internet access will be available. If you try to reach me, please be patient with my reply. For as of now, I am gone fishing!
Blessings ~ Paul

At The Window of My House

My roommate and I were discussing my upcoming vacation plans at dinner one night. I haven’t yet decided where all I will visit, but am hoping to spend some time in Seoul. I told him, “Mostly, I would like a comfortable hotel where I can get some rest. It has been a busy four months. I just want to relax and walk to some nearby sites for fun.”

We have a large window in our living room, with a view of a busy street, E-Mart, and a row of hotels. He looked out and said, “Some Korean motels will be cheaper and more comfortable than the popular tourist hotels. We can search the internet for prices.”

I inquired, out of curiosity, “Do many visitors stay in those hotels across the street? I didn’t know that Suwon would attract that many outsiders.” He replied, “Oh, you never want to stay at those. If you are a tourist or a family, those places are…dirty. Those are the motels where husbands go to cheat on their wives.”

…

I remember the night-time walks home to my apartment in China. There, like here, you would see the pink glow of a neon light coming from so-called massage parlors, with women waving and calling out from the window. Though purported to be an illegal activity, the doorsteps to those parlors were always darkened by drunken men, waiting for a paid encounter with girls whose eyes were filled with a hollowed sadness behind a plastic smile. I wanted desperately for them to escape and become princesses in a castle, far away from the dungeon grip of the dragon’s lair.

…

The view from my window here continues to haunt me. When I think about those hotels, where husbands go to cheat on their wives, it troubles my spirit greatly. I know that right now, from where I sit, I am looking at monuments to unfaithfulness. During the day, they stand gray like a cemetery. But at night, they light up like a golden calf.

For at the window of my house
I have looked out through my lattice,
and I have seen among the simple,
I have perceived among the youths,
a young man lacking sense,
passing along the street near her corner,
taking the road to her house
in the twilight, in the evening,
at the time of night and darkness.
- Proverbs 7:6-9 -

In the deepest sense, I am broken by it. We, as humans made in the image of God, have a long history of unfaithfulness. Firstly, we are unfaithful to God. We like to spit in His face, and run to the arms of false gods. Secondly, we are unfaithful to each other. Husbands forsake their marriage beds for the fleeting pleasures of brothels. Mothers forsake their children for the financial gains of the sex trade. Pastors forsake their churches for the false allures of the forbidden woman.

Proverbs 5 through 9 discuss in detail the follies of adultery and warn about the traps set by the seductress. Ezekiel 16 is an altogether tragic picture of the faithless bride, of whom it is said: “But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore.” Hosea offers another graphic tale of a prophet marrying a prostitute who is repeatedly unfaithful, while crying out from the heart of God: “My people are bent on turning away from me.”

For my part, I am also convicted by it. I myself am a sinner before a holy and righteous God. Jesus set the standard high, of course, when it comes to purity. He said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28). By those terms, I stand guilty.

I am likewise moved to compassion by it. When Jesus was brought a woman caught in the act of adultery, He challenged the religious leaders to cast the first stone. We see in the Christ the perfect picture of covenant faithfulness. He is willing to love us, cleanse us, and even die for us. Ezekiel and Hosea describe not only the faithless bride and the adulterous prostitute, but also extol the faithful, committed, and jealous Husband. He has redeemed His unfaithful bride, the Church.

This week, I have been pondering: “What can I do to help lead people out and away from the doors of those hotels and into the doors of Evergreen Church?” Though I am still crystallizing an answer, I think it begins by also asking these questions: “What will I do if I meet those coming out of the hotel, caught in the very act of cheating? Will I throw a rock in disgust, or share about the Rock who saves us?”

When I look out my window, I am also cautious of it. I remember His admonition to the woman in John 8: “Go, and from now on sin no more.” I pray for spiritual strongholds to be cast down around those hotels. Then I ask for the protection of my own heart: “Lord, lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” I want to be a man of integrity and faithfulness. So I carry in my heart the wisdom of Solomon:

The woman Folly is loud;
she is seductive and knows nothing.
She sits at the door of her house;
she takes a seat on the highest places of the town,
calling to those who pass by,
who are going straight on their way,
“Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!”
And to him who lacks sense she says,
“Stolen water is sweet,
and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
But he does not know that the dead are there,
that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.
- Proverbs 9:13-18 -

Showing Up

Like anyone, there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I can think of a myriad of reasons why I just want to roll over and go back to sleep. I remember my senior year of college. I was struggling to find motivation to attend church services and home group. Yes, sometimes even Bible majors want to worship at Bedside Baptist!

I would reason, “Sunday is my only day to sleep in. God said we need rest. I don’t feel like I am on the same page spiritually as the current sermon series. I will get more out of reading my Bible and praying at home. Home group feels like it lasts forever. The leader doesn’t seem prepared. The other guys don’t really open up. I could use that time to study for class. It is someone else’s turn to serve at the church.”

A friend of mine asked me, “Why haven’t I seen you at church lately?” Instead of making excuses, I told her that I was simply battling to get out of bed to go. She said something that has stuck with me for years now: “If you feel a battle going on, my advice is to get up and go! Satan knows that something good is waiting for you there. He doesn’t want you to have it. He is a thief. The more reasons why you want to stay in bed, the more reasons to show up anyway. Give it a try and see!”

She was right. Every time I felt a battle waging, I would give up the fight and resign my self to show up anyway. Some days, I would even arrive late. But, I never left regretting it. That day’s sermon would feel “spot on,” and I was always encouraged.

…

When I became a pastor at The Village Church, I would sometimes be called into situations that felt “above my pay grade.” You can take a million counseling courses and have a strong knowledge of the Bible. But are you ever fully prepared to meet with a parent who just lost a child? Do you ever feel ready to help a family face the aftermath of suicide? Are there words you can say that will console an abandoned spouse?

In tough situations, I would often have the thought: “I don’t know what all I am going to be walking into when I get there.” But I would quickly find comfort in God’s sovereignty. I would think: “Though this may be incredibly difficult and even messy, the Lord was not surprised by this. He will meet me there. He knows their situation and hears their cries.”

Then, I would get in my car and go. It was important to show up anyway. Often, people aren’t looking for answers or advice. It is a comfort for someone just to sit with them. It is often appropriate just to listen to them, hug them, and cry with them.

If words are needed, we have the promise found in Matthew 10:19-20—“When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”

…

I have a developing passion for what some call the ministry of presence. Showing up anyway, being there when it counts, living a trustworthy life, doing the right thing even when it’s not the easy thing, getting out of bed and going, having integrity in the small things, letting my yes be yes—those are all aspects of really being there for others.

I realize that in writing this, I am now subject to the scrutiny of the readers. Please be gracious! I know that I haven’t always been there. I have had days when I let the phone ring—when I have put my own selfish desires above the real needs of others.

But, more and more, I see accessibility as a personal core value. This does not mean constant availability. I am a man, not God. Instead, it means letting people know how to reach me and then getting back to them. It means being proactive when I know others are hurting. It means being human enough that people will want to find me or want to see me when I show up, because they know I care. Jesus was with His disciples.

Something I have learned—I am the best witness when people experience my with-ness. When Jesus gave the Great Commandment, He not only commanded to “go and make disciples,” but He also promised His presence with us always (Matthew 28:19-20). We often forget to quote that last part, and we are thus prone to abandon our own disciples. But the Apostle Paul put it this way: “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:8).

…

A godly woman once told me, “If you are asking God for a breakthrough, expect things to get harder first. There is nothing to break through if things suddenly become soft.”

Honestly, I have felt things becoming noticeably harder here. In terms of church, I often face not only cultural expectations (of the way things should be done here in general), but also pastoral expectations (of the way pastors should go about their business here). This can quickly cause misunderstanding, which I have faced this month.

My students are great. But children can be mean. Many students will comment about my weight, my bald head, my skin, my hairy arms, my clothes, and my Korean. A student told me, when we were learning opposites, “I do not think you are handsome, but you are not ugly. I think you are…so-so.” Well, I guess it could have been worse! But regardless of your self-confidence, we all have flashbacks to the playground—where the bullies are throwing rocks and picking on us. When your life is on display, and you are the subject of cultural critics, you often face your insecurity.

At school, I also have the added pressure of uber-involved parents. They will openly criticize my “teaching style,” claiming that I should abandon my “American style” for the Korean way of education. However, a definition of the “Korean way” is often nebulous. It means more grammar to some, more speaking to others. It means more games to some, less activities to others. It all came to a head though when several mothers came to visit my class to consider enrolling their children. Five minutes in, they all got up and walked out. They said my class didn’t “measure up” to the other school they visited.

Changes are constant. Plus, I am living in a language gap. My students rotate in and out. Events happen last minute. There is a lack of communication. This makes me uncomfortable and stressed. I like to plan ahead. I like to wrap my mind around all that will be taking place when I get there. Here, I don’t have that luxury. I have been faced with the question, “What am I supposed to do when I can’t seem to get a handle on anything here, and I just don’t feel like I can deal the internal stress of it all?”

A friend emailed me this week and reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:8-10—“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Elder Jung told me that, from his vantage point, the most important thing I offer is my relationship with these students. He told me that many of them have absentee dads. Their fathers will work all day, stay out all night drinking with friends. They lack male role models. They need men who will play with them, listen to them—truly be with them.

So, what will I do, given the battles I have been facing? I will remember that we love because God first loves us. And His love is a steadfast kind that endures forever. There is nothing flaky about that kind of love. I have made a decision: I will get out of bed and show up anyway. Good things are waiting there for me. He is not surprised by any of this. He will meet me there. He is with me always, even until the end of the age. Amen.

The Revolving Door

Yu Bin was late to class again last week. This time, it was about thirty minutes past when he graced the classroom. I asked him, “Yu Bin, why are you late?” He grinned and said, “I talked to God. And He said to me, you can be late!”

I couldn’t hold back laughter. Well, I thought, if you need an excuse, just tell the pastor that you have been praying! And who am I to argue with God’s timing?

…

Wednesday was Yu Bin’s last day at the school. It happened earlier than expected. His father decided that, since they are moving in a month, it would be better for Yu Bin to help pack at home in the afternoons. That made sense. But it was still difficult when he said, “I will not come tomorrow. Today is my last day. We will move soon to another city.” I took some candy from my desk, as a small goodbye gift. I shook his hand and told him how proud I was. He walked out the door. Watching him leave, I couldn’t choke back the tears any longer. So I let them go.

…

Only three months in, I have already been saying a lot of goodbyes here. The young seminary student who was helping me with Youth Bible Study left us two weeks ago, to pursue a paid church position in another city. I called him the “young Pastor Lee,” as his family name is also Lee. I held his two-year-old son during church, so that he could sing with the praise team and his wife could tend to the baby. We became friends, and I loved his whole family. I have missed his little son bringing me every “toy” he could find, including sticks and empty cups, and saying, “Zuzu.” That has no meaning. It was simply his endearing word for just about everything.

In a few weeks, Grace will be moving back to the States. She is the other teacher at the school. She was born in Korea, but raised in Hawaii. She has been a bridge for me between American life and Korean life. I have treasured her friendship as we share the daily challenges of teaching young children.

Other friends here have had situations arise, which have now limited our interaction. And, this week, it was Yu Bin—my lovable, skeptical, prized student.

There is a time for everything. And, in life, relationships come and go. I have seen and moreover felt the revolving door. You think I might be used to it by now. Besides, in the same way that people will cycle out, they likewise cycle back in. Sometimes they enter again in new and surprising ways. A godly lady once told me, “When you do God’s will, you can pick back up where you left off as if there were never any time or distance between you. That’s the beauty of friendships built on Christ’s love!”

Though sometimes, when you let go of the old, you make room for the new. As in other areas—by letting go of what you cannot have, you make room for what you can have.

This doesn’t mean that goodbyes aren’t difficult though. Sure, we often say as Christians, “You never really say goodbye! We will see each other again in heaven! It is more like, see you later.” True, but that didn’t keep the people of Ephesus and the great apostle himself from weeping when they said farewell. “And there was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him, being sorrowful most of all because of the word he had spoken, that they would not see his face again. And they accompanied him to the ship” (Acts 20:37-38).

In a season when community has been small here, watching people leave has been particularly tough. I wonder, what does God have in store? For me, it is a matter of trust. Do I trust Him to provide everything—and everyone—needed?

I do have my “virtual community,” for which I am so grateful. God really did grace us when He provided Facebook and Skype. And my support network back home is strong. The 14-hour time difference has been tough at times, as I cannot readily call family and friends. But I know they would pick up the phone any time.

I can talk to God too. Jesus once said, “Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me” (John 16:32). That has become one of my favorite verses. A friend once told me, “Though you may find yourself alone, you do not have to be lonely.” That is so true. He is Immanuel, God with us.

In the play Madea Goes to Jail, Tyler Perry’s character Madea offers some humorous advice on relationships. She says, “I put everybody that comes into my life into the categories of a tree. Most people are leaves. They are there to take from you and also give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. Don’t get mad if they can’t be something more. Some people are like branches. You must be careful with them. You think they are strong, but when you walk out on them, they break. And they leave you high and dry. But if you find two or three people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. Them the kind of people who ain’t going nowhere! They don’t need anybody to see that they are there, but without them the tree won’t live. A tree can have a million branches, but only needs a few roots. When you get some roots, hold on to them. But everyone else—no matter how much it hurts, let ‘em go.”

There is something of an art to relationships: seeking to love all people well, for however long they are in your life—while learning to hold tightly to the roots, allowing the leaves to be leaves, forgiving the branches when they fail you. I am also learning that the roots may not be the people you first expect. God loves to give surprises.

As God continues to prune my community here, I am learning to trust Him more in that process as well. I can rejoice—Yu Bin wasn’t talking to God before he came into my life. Now, he does. As he leaves, he is in good hands. God will finish what He started. In the same way, I know He stands guard over the revolving door—allowing people to come and go as He pleases. Lord, increase my faith!