Home Is Where…?

When I arrived at my current apartment, it wasn’t quite what I had expected. Sure, I have learned to curb my expectations when living in a culture that is not my own. But a lot of the work one normally does to prepare for a new tenant hadn’t been done on my behalf. Only one light was working. The faucets were leaking. The stove was broken. And the place was filthy. Moreover, the apartment had been used as a storage room, and many of the items were still sitting there, being stored.

Upon seeing it, my first reaction was to well up with tears. This was my new home? Then, after taking a deep breath (and taking stock of the work needing to be done), I rolled up my sleeves and began organizing, cleaning, and unpacking.

I knew I had reached a greater point of acceptance when I looked at a daddy long legs spider, sighed, and said aloud: “Okay, if you promise not to crawl on me and to help me kill the other bugs, I will not suck you up with the vacuum.” Though perhaps I have been living alone too long, when I start conversing with a “pet spider.”

I was able to put things into further perspective when MercyMe came on my playlist, and they began singing: “When I finally make it home…” I stopped to look around and see my progress, and I smiled as I said: “Well, I guess this isn’t home yet. Tent, sweet tent.”
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The question often comes up naturally with friends and family: “So when are you coming home?” Or, it is from the perspective of the Koreans: “When are you going back home?” or “When will you be returning to your home?”

It is a fair question, and one I anticipate, as I too dearly miss loved ones. Yet it is a loaded question. After all, home is…where exactly?

If you mean the “house of my roots,” you would have to trace it to the home on Avenue B in Crawford, Texas. But my parents moved from there when I left to college. That home now belongs to someone else. So if we simply want to count houses as home—the next “home” for me was on Vogel St in Abilene. It belonged to the university. Moving on from there—after living in several apartments in DFW, and a stint overseas, I stayed in a house on Elizabeth Dr in Carrollton. But that house belonged to a generous family, who let me stay there (rent-free) as long as I helped take care of it.

There are other working definitions of home. Some say: “Home is where the heart is.” Yet I have pieces of my heart all over the globe now. There is no city, no country…not even a continent that can contain it. My heart has outgrown an earthly destination.

I often find comfort in this: “I will always have a home with my family.” Indeed, I treasure my parents and my sister. I certainly have a place to rest in the Waco area or the Dallas area (i.e., where they are now respectively). Moreover, my family has grown to include my spiritual family, the Church. Plus, Jesus said if you leave your “home,” you will gain a hundred-fold (Luke 18:28-30). In that way, I have a lot of real estate!

The issue comes with this…”home” implies a firm foundation. People, along with their circumstances, change. If you simply define home as “being with loved ones,” that has no sense of lasting security either. Does the longing for “home” die when loved ones do?

Still others simply jest: “Home is where your suitcase is.” I can relate to that, in some sense. It is good to plant your roots where you are, taking in the gift of the present.

Yet, maybe in all of these musings, we would do well to entertain this thought. Perhaps, for those called according to His purpose, this world is not meant to feel like home at all.

In his book The Problem of Pain, CS Lewis writes: “The Christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, merry meetings with our friends, a bathe, or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.”

So, adding that to consideration, we are left with several truths as we all journey on as wayfaring strangers. First, this world is not our home. Heaven is our home, knowing that Jesus is there. “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ” (Philippians 3:20).

And through Christ we enjoy this daily reality—home is where God is (Psalm 91). And He is omni-present. We have a taste of heaven now, as we look in a mirror dimly. His Holy Spirit lives in us. We are a temple of His presence. This means we can feel at “home” in any physical location, when we abide in Him (and He in us).

Finally, there is no going back. Jesus made this clear when He said to the disciples, “Let the dead bury their own dead. Follow me.” The scriptures speak of looking onward and upward, lest we fall away or turn to salt. Paul’s example was this: “Press on toward what lies ahead, forgetting what lies behind.” As for the heroes of faith—

“These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city” (Hebrews 11:13-16).

For me, I don’t think it wise to talk of “going back.” Instead, I am moving on from here… onto the next place in God. He is my dwelling place. Heaven is my real home. For now, until then, as I look around where He has me, I shall smile and say: “Tent, sweet tent.”
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens… (2 Corinthians 5)

The Coming of the Lord

There aren’t as many “signs” in Suwon that Christmas is here as I am accustomed to seeing around this time of year. I haven’t taken in many Christmas trees or displays or blow-up snow globes or the like. No one has spoken about attending parties or driving to see lights or completing shopping lists. Some students will actually attend school on Christmas Day. In a way, it makes it hard to believe that the holiday is upon us. In another sense, it is a good chance to focus on Christ, without all the consumerism.

I remember a few years back in China, when I similarly had opportunity to think on the “reason for the season” without all the distractions of holiday busyness. I read the history (as in, His story) of Christmas from the Bible, and I became fascinated (as I am still) with the kinds of people who were blessed to see the first coming of our Lord.

Beginning in Luke 2:8-20, the angel comes to share the birth announcement with the shepherds. What kind of people were they? They who were awake and alert. As we are told, they were up all night, tending their flocks. In the dark of night, there were not many who would be ready to receive the news. The shepherds were the exception.

Moving on in Luke 2:22-35, Jesus is presented in Jerusalem. There the family meets Simeon. What kind of man was he? He who held fast to the promises. He was filled with joy to encounter the newborn Christ. He had been told by the Spirit that he would not taste death before he had seen Him. He had waited with expectation.

Following on in Luke 2:36-38, Anna shows up at the Temple. What kind of woman was she? She who remained faithful. She was simply doing what she did daily—coming to worship with prayer and fasting. In her faithfulness, she was blessed to see the Christ. She began singing in exaltation.

A while after, in Matthew 2:1-12, the Wise Men came to visit. What kind of people were they? They who looked for the signs. The Magi had studied the scriptures diligently and had watched the stars closely. When the time finally arrived, they rejoiced exceedingly.

When studying on, I get the feeling that the same kind of people who witnessed the first coming of the Lord will also rejoice at His second coming.
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I received a wonderful newsletter from my friends Jim and Margie this week. In it, they beautifully summed up the larger story of Christmas: “It is about Emmanuel coming to earth as a baby—about Jesus growing into manhood among His creation—about God’s Son walking toward Golgotha even from His first steps. It is about God’s plan of the ages—Jesus came to die for our sins—and conquer death with an empty tomb. That’s what it’s about.”

Indeed, the infant in the manger lived to become the crucified Savior. Now, He is the exalted Christ, and He will come again to judge the living and dead. This time, He will arrive in power, on a white horse, as King of kings and Lord of lords…and the Prince of peace will make war and achieve final victory over the forces of darkness.

What is clear from the Bible—we will all witness this coming. Every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth (Philippians 2:10). Yet who will rejoice?

Those who are awake and alert. “Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming” (Matthew 24:42). What will we be found doing on that day? Are we preparing, right now, in this moment, for His arrival?

Those who hold fast to the promises. “Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you—unless you believed in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:1-2). The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promises, as some count slowness. Do we believe that every word will be done (and should be done) as it is written?

Those who remain faithful. “But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls” (Hebrews 10:39). Will we keep growing in grace and knowledge, encouraging and building one another up daily?

Those who look for the signs. “And there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth…Now when these things begin to take place, straighten up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near” (Luke 21:25-28). Surely, no man will know the day or the hour. Nor is it for us to know the times or the seasons. He will come like a thief in the night. But as Paul writes: “You are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief” (1 Thessalonians 5:4). Will we be ready?

In speaking about the second coming, Paul and Peter allude to the days of Noah. Noah didn’t know the exact day of the flood. But surely the ark would first be completed, and he likely knew to close the door only when he saw the first drops of rain. Until that point, he simply “did all that the Lord commanded him”—and kept building and preaching.

Since all these things are thus…what kind of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness, waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God…? (2 Peter 5)

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas—as together we celebrate His first coming, while awaiting the next! Blessings ~ Paul

Lingering Questions

One of my middle school students stopped in the middle of our lesson, when a serious look came upon her face. She said: “I have something I want to ask you.” I smiled, as if to show her that questions are always welcome, and replied: “Sure, what do you want to know?” She asked me: “Paul, what are you doing here?”

The question struck me as a little vague. After all, did she mean: having had chances to live and serve in other countries, what am I doing in South Korea now? Did she wonder: how exactly did I come in contact with Evergreen Church and English Village? Or did she intend to ask: what am I doing in a city like Suwon, when most foreigners prefer to live and teach in bustling Seoul?

I answered her question with another: “Could you be a little more specific? What do you mean?” She said, “I mean, why are you here?” Once again, her lack of inflection didn’t help me to understand her intentions any further. Was it, “why are you here?” or “why are you here?” or “why are you here?”

So I asked again: “Well, do you mean…?” She cut me off with a curt: “Never mind. Just asking.” I decided not to fish any further. After all, it seemed she was content to simply deliver the question…as if I was the one who was supposed to sit with it.
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Why are you here? The question has stuck with me. In fact, after leaving class that night, it hit me like a ton a bricks. I thought: “What was that all about?” And I wondered: Did the Lord just use one of my students to break into my day, to get my attention?

In some sense, it touches upon a deeper search for purpose. Why am I here? I think the right answer would be: to live in and share the love of Christ. But, then again, I can’t help but probe further into my life: am I really being faithful to pursue the purposes that God has set out for me? Or do I still try to serve lesser gods, including myself?

Paul once said: “I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I have received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God” (Acts 20:24). Can I say the same in my life’s calling?

On the other hand, the question is tinged with sadness for me, as it exposes a very real issue of faith. Why am I here? Truth be told, the road home from China (in 2008) was a bumpy one. It began with a tough transition back to Texas. In my first few months home, I suffered from shingles in my ear and across my face. I watched my health and savings account decline. Add in a lemon car, following a raw deal, and I eventually saw my savings evaporate.

I was blessed to get a job after a long season of unemployment (in 2009). I worked at Primero Foods, where I helped administrate sales and distribution of Tex-Mex food. That season ended right before leading a team to Kenya. Those events (seemingly random, at times) would also spur me on to look for work overseas again. And here I am (in 2010)…

Do I really believe that no season has been wasted—moreover, that each leg of the race has been sovereignly ordained for me, no matter how “off the course” it feels?

My favorite singer right now is Susan Boyle. In an original song written for her, called “Who I Was Born to Be,” she sings: “Though I may not know the answers, I can finally say I’m free. And if the questions led me here, then I am who I was born to be.”

That’s a beautiful and freeing thought—that it may be the questions of life that lead us and grant us perspective at times…not just the answers. I know that my life (moreover, I believe all of our lives) is fraught with questions. Why this? Why that?

It can be a good and healthy thing to ask questions. They can rightly lead us into deeper relationship with the Lord, deeper connection with others, and deeper knowledge of self. John Calvin once wrote: “Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God. With no knowledge of God there is no true knowledge of self.”

Yet, on days that I am overwhelmed by the lingering questions, I cling to the tried and true wisdom of Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Sometimes, we just have to sit with the questions.

I likewise rest in the knowledge that the Lord has used questions to lead His children since the beginning of creation. When the Lord asks a question, it isn’t for lack of His understanding. No, it is always designed to bring us back to reality—His reality.

“Adam, where are you?”
“Eve, what is this you have done?”
“Cain, where is your brother? What have you done?”
“Hagar, where have you come from, and where are you going?”
“Elijah, what are you doing here?”
“Job, where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth…?”
“Isaiah, whom shall I send? Who will go for us?”
“Baruch, do you seek great things for yourself?”
“Jonah, do you do right to be angry?”
“Disciples, who do you say that I am? Do you also wish to go away?”
“Simon, do you love me?”
“Saul, why are persecuting me?”

Still today, it is from His holy word that He strongly, yet tenderly asks all of us: “How shall you escape if you neglect such a great salvation” (Hebrews 2:3)?

I also cling to the promise of Jesus in John 16:22-23 – “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, He will give it to you.”

It is not immediately clear if Jesus means that He will answer all our lingering questions in heaven, or if they will simply be swallowed up in the majesty of His presence. I am not sure we will care at that moment. For, it will likely have been the questions that helped lead us there.

Are You Happy?

Good food makes me happy. Great company brings me joy. And this weekend, I had both. Elder Jung and his wife joined me for dinner at my apartment. The table did not lack for food. Though, that is a story in itself.

I managed to put together a Thanksgiving-esque meal, with great help from the amazing care packages that I have been sent. I prepared the familiar sides of seasoned corn, mashed potatoes, sweet potato puree, and stuffing. I substituted chicken for turkey. And I even made gravy. For dessert, I served banana cream pudding with fresh bananas and pecans, along with hot chocolate…

And I did it ALL, using ONLY this…

Please tell me: am I called to be the Next Iron Chef? I know I need to work on plating (as they would likely deduct points for Tupperware), but I had to keep each separate dish in a warmer, while I prepared the rest!

We enjoyed our meal and shared many laughs over stories from our journeys. We did not lack for joy and happiness: happiness, because we truly revel in our friendship, despite cultural differences—and joy, because we have all been reconciled to God in Christ, who broke down the wall of separation.
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Elder Jung has taught me one of my greatest lessons here. He taught me that I must fight for joy—and joy can be readily won, if we seek it in God. Then, I should protect it. If my happiness is gone, I must get it back from the enemy by going to God.

One afternoon, several months back, we had lunch together. I had invited him that day, so that I could get his cultural insight and wisdom about several situations I was facing here. When we sat down, I immediately began sharing about my challenges. Soon, I found myself verbally “dumping” on him. I talked at length about the stress I was enduring at school, the confusion I was feeling over cultural differences, the loneliness I was sensing in it all. I laid it all bare at the table.

After about thirty minutes of hearing my complaints, he smiled and gently asked me: “Paul, are you happy?” It was a jarring question. To be honest, I wasn’t sure of its relevance to our discussion. And all I could answer was: “I don’t know.” He said: “Paul, if you were happy, you would know it, right?” I answered with a nod of the head.

He continued: “You seem to be carrying so much. I want you to be happy in God. Stop doing what you are doing, until you give Him all those problems. You are doing His work, so He will take them.” I semi-debated with: “But that doesn’t mean all of the problems will go away!” He smiled again and said: “Yes, but you will be happy. You have two options: be happy in God or quit. Both will resolve your stress. But neither will make the problems disappear today. Run to Him, or run away. I suggest you go to Him, because then the problems won’t seem so big anymore.” Then, I broke.

Am I happy—happy in God? That question has stuck with me. It was only a few nights after our discussion that I read a chapter called “Joy and Gladness” in Mike Mason’s Champagne for the Soul. In it, he contends: “The Bible does not separate joy and happiness, and neither should we. Repeatedly Scripture mentions the two together.” He expounds further: “If a proper distinction can be made between joy and happiness, perhaps it’s like that between faith and works. These two are not distinct in the sense that sometimes we have one and sometimes the other; rather, they’re two aspects of the same reality.” He uses the other fruits of the Spirit to show that all of them have both interior and exterior qualities. Happiness, he explains, is realized joy.

As kids, we know the song: “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! … If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it.” I am not sure why I ever graduated past children’s songs. I still have so much to learn in them. That is, it’s silly to say: “I am a very joyful person. The joy of Christ is truly in me. But I express it through a frown, crossed arms, and complaining about my life.” No, if we claim the joy that is ours in Christ, we will sing, dance, shout, and clap.

And I savor the advice Mike Mason offers: ““Now ask for yourself: what is the gospel? Keep asking until the answer that comes provokes an eruption of joy…If we’re not joyful, we haven’t finished repenting. The sign that we’ve repented well is happiness, as God consumes our sacrifice of sorrow and exchanges it for joy…What we lack as Christians isn’t just the will to believe the gospel, but the will to be happy about what we believe. Indeed our lack of joy is a sign of unbelief.”

Do I really believe that God wants me to be happy in Him, in every season of life, in all the places I go, for all eternity?

Elder Jung is an incredibly happy man. He is always smiling, always rejoicing. There is always time for a joke and a smile. There is never time for a complaint to be uttered from his lips, though there is always time to listen to others in need. His friendship makes me happy, and I am blessed that I get to count him a brother in Christ.

Hello, Loneliness

Poetry is one of the most intimate forms of communication. God himself uses poetry in the Bible to communicate His heart for His people. The opening chapters of Genesis contain the first love poem ever written—Adam’s “whoa man!” reaction to seeing his wife, Eve. Within every heart since, there is the longing of a poet.

A poem can share your heart like nothing else can. It allows for mystery and complexity. I enjoy reading and writing poetry. However, I am sometimes hesitant to share it with others. For example, I wrote a poem called “Hello, Loneliness” during my first months here. My fear was (and is) that others will see the title and be quick to think: “Oh no, Paul is lonely! We should fix that right away and quote Bible verses, stat!”

However, that would be to miss the point of the poem itself. As Americans, we often like to keep things light and happy. If we don’t entertain ourselves to death, we at least want to entertain ourselves until death. Thus, words like loneliness scare us. But we do not need to fear loneliness. Loneliness is a reality for us, as sinful people in a fallen world. And, if we allow Christ to redeem it, it can be a pathway to something better. It can lead us to greater fellowship in the community of saints. Indeed, it can spur us on to deeper communion with God. Consider what Elisabeth Elliot wrote in her book, The Path of Loneliness: Finding Your Way through the Wilderness to God:

“Our loneliness can’t always be fixed, but it can always be accepted as the very will of God for now, and that turns it into something beautiful. Perhaps it is like the field wherein lies the valuable treasure. We must buy the field. It is no sun-drenched meadow embroidered with wildflowers. It is a black and empty place, but once we know it contains a jewel the whole picture changes. The empty scrap of forgotten land suddenly teems with possibilities. Here is something we can not only accept, but something worth selling everything to buy. In my case, ‘selling everything’ meant giving up the self-pity and the bitter questions. I do not mean we are to go out looking for chances to be as lonely as possible. I am talking about acceptance of the inevitable. And when, through a willed act we receive this thing we did not want, then Loneliness, the name of the field nobody wants, is transformed into a place of hidden treasure.”

Here, I face feelings of loneliness (or perhaps, aloneness) often. It is a given part of the call. We are told to deny ourselves, carry our crosses, and follow Christ. Self-denial makes one feel the weight of crossing the bridge from your old way of living (self-centered) to the new life that Jesus gives (God-centered). We feel alone at times. But we are not alone, for the Father is with us. We can navigate those feelings to find Him.

With that in mind, I share with you now my heart on loneliness in poem form. Be gentle.
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Hello, Loneliness, my old friend.
I thought we wouldn’t meet again.
I didn’t expect you anymore
When Love came dashing through my door.
I felt that we would grow apart
When Faith showed up and won my heart.
And I was sure you’d walk away
When Purpose came and made my day.

But there you stand, arms open wide
Waiting anxiously for a sign
That still I want you, as before
When clueless what Life had in store,
I clung to you, and you alone.

You always were a clever foe,
Saying you can never go
Where people talk and hearts unite—
But Shadows lurk where there is light.
When daytime slowly turns to dark,
And Fear encircles like a shark,
You take your chance to sing and shout
And prance around the place of Doubt.

And now you dance, with such a smile
Knowing that, in just a while,
I may see you yet again
And hug your neck and call you friend.
I do not like to be alone.

You do not count it as defeat,
When Love and Faith and Purpose meet,
And take me to their golden throne,
To tell me of a better Home.
For then you whisper in my ear,
“You’re just a man—and we’re still here.
Perfection lies beyond the stars,
But as for now—this World is ours.”

So here I am, to do no other
Than count you as my earthly brother.
Who welcomes Good without Bad?
And who knows Happy unless Sad?
Oh, why should I as yet deny
That to take their Breath, I must feel you Sigh?
One does not exist alone.

Prayers and Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us. And I have found myself meditating on Philippians 4:6 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

This holiday season reminds us to give thanks for good food. More so, it is a great time to find ourselves counting our blessings and praising God. Those are two areas that I can always be better at: praying and giving thanks. We are instructed, after all, to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and to give thanks always (Ephesians 5:20).

I moved to my new apartment this weekend. As I will be without internet at home for a while, I am not sure how possible it will be to post updates these next few weeks. But I hate to leave you without holiday reading. Thus, I happily commend to you some great books of prayer written by my dear friend, Andrew Case.

I am very thankful for his encouragement in my life. And I cannot be more proud of the wonderful work he has done. I am challenged by his books to pray more fervently for those whom I love—even the wife I have yet to meet. His works include prayers of husbands for their wives, prayers of wives for their husbands, and prayers of parents for their children.

He has blessed us with easy-to-view, easy-to-download online copies. I have included them here. I pray this Thanksgiving produces a holy joy in our hearts and deepens our commitment to seek His face.

Open publication - Free publishing - More prayer

Open publication - Free publishing - More wives

Open publication - Free publishing - More scripture

Blessings ~ Paul

Voice in the Night

Lately, at night, with my window open, I lie still in bed and listen. When the wind is just right, it carries a voice to my bedroom. Namely, it is a song. I do not yet understand the lyrics. Perhaps it is a club singer, mourning over a love long gone, or a street performer, regaling an age-old tale. Yet whatever it is, the song is strangely familiar and hauntingly beautiful. I sometimes ponder quietly in my heart…could it be something more?

I have learned something in my listening. I do not carry the lonely pessimism of J. Alfred Prufrock, who in T.S. Eliot’s Love Song bemoans: “I have heard the mermaids singing each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me.” Instead, I share the eager desire of Samuel, who prays the short prayer Eli taught him to pray at dark: “Speak, Lord, for your servant hears” (1 Samuel 3:9). Like him, I dare to believe the voice in the night may be calling out to me.
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Elijah once heard the voice of the Lord ask him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” The Bible says the voice did not come from the strong wind, or the earthquake, or the great fire. Instead, it came as a thin silence…a low whisper…a still, small voice.

Adam went through rediscovery when the Lord called out: “Where are you?”

Hagar heard a loving question in her distress: “Hagar, what troubles you?”

Isaiah heard this great call: “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?”

Ezekiel heard a song of praise: “Blessed be the glory of the Lord from its place!”

Daniel overheard this request, posed to an angel: “Gabriel, make this man understand the vision.”

Jonah was probingly asked: “Do you do well to be angry?”

The Apostle Paul’s life was changed when confronted with: “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?”

Peter was given this instruction: “Rise, Peter; kill and eat.” He was also rebuked with: “What God has made clean, do not call common.”

John received this invitation in Revelation: “Come and see!”

Most importantly, Jesus was anointed and affirmed with this: “This is my beloved Son, with whom I a well pleased; listen to him.”

All of this and more came from heaven, sometimes in a holy roar, but mostly in a gentle voice. I do believe with all my heart that the Lord is heard most loudly and clearly through His holy Word, the Bible. We do right to meditate on it night & day and hide it in our hearts. Yet, I also listen for the Spirit’s quiet promptings, spoken in the oft routine, the mundane, and the ordinary. We do well to pause and reflect, be still and know, lie awake and listen…for His voice in the silence may just be singing to us the song we need to hear. Let us lean in a little closer.

The Winds of Change

Winter is quickly approaching here. That means the winds of change are again upon us. Mind you, I am enjoying having four real seasons here. Yet, I often find myself craving a sense of normalcy and stability within. I am learning that comes from embracing the truth that Jesus Christ is the same--yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

Other changes are in store for me here, great and small. As such, I must eschew the poetic and pastoral for this blog, in favor of the purely practical. First of all, my American friends are gaining an extra hour of sleep tonight. However, we do not “fall back” here for daylight savings. Thus, I am now 15 hours ahead of Texas.

Also, I will be moving on November 24th. My roommate Young Gwang will be moving to Seoul to pursue his future. As such, I will be moving to a one-bedroom apartment close to my first address. I will once again be living alone, and I will greatly miss his fellowship.

Teacher Park is also moving on from our church and hakwon to begin a new ministry venture. It is an exciting time for her. She has been a good teacher and friend at the school. She has also been a huge blessing in ministry settings. She leads the worship and provides translation for our student Bible study. I have been teaching on the ABCs of God, to outline His character for our students. I will miss her as a co-laborer.

Another important change—I will likely not have internet at my new apartment, at least until the end of the year. That means that Skype calls and Facebook chats may not be options for a while. I will have internet at school. Yet, my hours there are 11am to 7pm. That puts internet access at the time when the US is largely asleep.

For those desiring to send packages or letters for the holidays, please do not send anything to my current address past November 10th. It takes about 10 days for things to arrive. I will send out my new address when it is confirmed by month end.

There will also be more transition for me in the coming year. I have come to a firm decision regarding my future here. Due to various factors, I will not be staying in South Korea past my year contract. That means my return trip in March will now become a transition back to the States. I have no idea what lies next at this point. I know I am “moving on” from here, but I don’t know what “going back” will look like. I ask that you pray for wisdom for my tomorrow, yet also for intentionality in my today.

Of course, I have also come to understand that change is the norm here, especially last minute. For example, we had another show for parents on Friday night. It went quite well. Yet, for one reason or another, seven students and their families decided not to attend the night. Fortunately, I have learned to adapt. This time, the show focused on individual poems and acts, as opposed to group plays. I have learned to make plans very flexible. In the end, it spared us from potential disarray.

There is no telling what may be in store for my remaining time here—which new faces may enter the picture and what new experiences will come. Please pray for a continued spirit of flexibility. Also, please pray for Young Gwang and Teacher Park as they follow the Lord’s will for their futures. Continue to pray for our church, Evergreen Church, and school, English Village. And, as the winds of change continue to buffet my life here, pray that I seek to build every day upon the Rock. With all my love ~ Paul

Going Down

Human behavior on an elevator is quite predictable, if not amusing. Since living on the 7th floor, I have had time each day to observe it. First of all, we don’t have much patience. As soon as we enter, we hit the button to close the door. Why does five seconds feel like an eternity in an elevator? Moreover, you should see how many times we push the button while waiting on the elevator to arrive in the first place! We are seemingly convinced the elevator is ignoring us. Perhaps we fear rejection.

Also, we do not like being forced into closed spaces with strangers. We try to position ourselves as far as possible away from others. To avoid eye contact, we all face the door and watch the numbers go down. If the elevator stops short of our intended destination, we become visibly uncomfortable and annoyed. We hate interruptions. Perhaps we fear the unknown or that which we can’t control.

Others must think me strange here for looking around and observing elevator psyche. I really broke a cardinal rule since, this week, I have made it a point to say “hello” to others in the elevator. It seems jarring to most, as they are accustomed to silence. I made one poor old woman jump.

It’s just…something in me has been wondering if, by passively wasting opportunities on an elevator to share a friendly smile, a simple hello, or a helping hand, we are willingly forsaking the wisdom of saints like Mother Theresa: “We can do no great things; only small things with great love.”

…

It is a real temptation to view my time here like a simple elevator ride. I know I won’t be here forever, as my initial contract is only for a year. So, I could see my season here as a passing one—a transient ride from the last destination to the next one.

The problem becomes, if I am simply going down the elevator, everything else will go down too. My passion will go down. My commitment will go down. My love will go down. And I will just be counting down the days. We all acknowledge (and rebuke) this kind of emotional roller coaster when we say things like: “To keep from feeling down, we must keep our spirits up!”

A dear friend once told me: “If you go somewhere, be there.” I was reminded of that again when I read Psalm 139, concerning the presence of the Lord: “If I go up to heavens, you are there. If I go down to the grave, you are there.” It seems the Lord never wastes a season in making Himself known.

As Fritz Ridenour writes, in his book How to Be a Christian without Being Religious, “Religions reach up toward God. Christianity is God reaching down to man.” Greater by the day, I also don’t want to waste this season of reaching out to others.

This past month has been difficult at our hakwon (academy). We have watched one-third of our enrollment leave English Village for other after-school academies. The reasons are unclear to me, making it more difficult at times. I do know that trust is at a premium in Korean society, and we just opened eight months ago. One “wrong move,” as you experience a mass exodus. When trust goes down, numbers go down.

It has made me reflect on my commitment and how I am using each day to share the love of Jesus with the students. There have been several students suddenly leave now without a chance at saying goodbye. As they go, I hope they are blessed. If nothing else, I pray they experienced relationship with a teacher who tries to display his friendship with God.

So as it stands: I don’t desire to just go through the motions. I want to be here, for however long the Lord has me here. Every day, on that elevator, I hope to bring a little light when the door opens to my Korean neighbors, and I genuinely ask: “Going down?”

Short Prayers

I was reminded again this week of Jesus’ prayer in John 12:27-28, when he says: “Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father, glorify your name.” I found myself convicted that I still love my own comfort more than I love the glory of God. I far too often pray, “Lord, get me out of this situation!” I far too little pray, “Lord, bring glory to Your name!”

I also marveled at God’s swift answer to that prayer: Father, glorify your name. “Then a voice came from heaven: ‘I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.’” Wow. It is such a short prayer. Yet it is powerful to elicit an immediate response from heaven.

After thinking further upon last week’s post (saying more by saying less), I stumbled upon a verse concerning prayer. Jesus taught His disciples: “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words” (Matthew 6:7).

I found this verse to have a few nuances worth exploring. First, it cautions against mindless, faithless, insincere praying. There is no use blabbering on to God without thought or care. Our prayers then amount to false promises in the end. “Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few” (Ecclesiastes 5:1-2).

We may at times lose track in prayer and forget what we are asking and seeking. A prayer list or journal can help in this way, to prevent rambling, wandering, and trailing off. It can also encourage us to pray “without losing heart,” over time. In another sense, we may discover that we simply do not have words to express what we want to say. At that point, it is better to be still in His presence and let the Spirit do His searching and groaning work (Romans 8:26-27).

The main gist of the passage, though, is an apparent rebuke against using (pagan) ritual chants and “magical” incantations in a vain attempt to invoke the divine. More recently, mystics have proffered “breath prayers” as a way to connect with God. They take phrases (some from the Bible) and recommend repeating them, until you feel “enveloped in His presence.” There is much debate over the place of meditation techniques such as yoga in Christian spiritual formation. I do not desire to enter into that debate here.

I will say that I took issue with the Prayer of Jabez movement when stores offered up coins and key chains as seeming lucky charms. The prayer was often removed from its context and no longer offered in faith. It is, for the record, an amazing scriptural prayer. Yet, people began using it as a means to try to get what they wanted from God.

Instead, I have been benefiting greatly from what I will call “biblical short prayers.” I do not mean the repeated use of a phrase to enter into some kind of meditative trance. On the contrary, I mean the “word made flesh” in daily life. Inevitably, I become busy at some point. And I may not have much time or be able to kneel down and pray. But I still desire to maintain a real sense of God’s presence and to honor His command to pray without ceasing, even in the chaos of the week. It is at that time I can offer aloud to God a short, simple prayer that is rooted in His word. I have found that a few words offered up quickly from even small faith does bear fruit, both in and through my life.

Jesus once prayed to the Father: “Sanctify them in the truth; your Word is truth” (John 17:17). There is great power in hiding the Word in our hearts. The Word never returns void. And, offering up the short prayers recorded in scripture can likewise sanctify us.

Some of the short prayers I have been offering up in faith at various times, when desiring similar things or in similar situations to their biblical context, include the following:

“Father, glorify your name” – based on the prayer of Jesus in John 12:28

“Please show me your glory.” – based on the prayer of Moses in Exodus 33:18

“God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” – based on the prayer of the tax collector in Luke 18:13

“I believe; help my unbelief!” – based on the prayer of the father of the demon-afflicted boy in Mark 9:24

“Lord, save me!” – based on the plea of Peter in Matthew 14:30

“Lord, help me.” – based on the request of the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15:25

“Come, Lord Jesus!” – based on prayer of John in Revelation 22:20
…

The Psalms are filled with the prayers of David including –

For understanding: “Open my eyes that I may behold wondrous things out of your law” (119:18)

For holiness: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord” (19:14)

For integrity: “Search me, O God, and know my heart!” (139:23)

For singular purpose: “Unite my heart to fear your name” (86:11)
…

I am also given to adapt the prayers of the heroes of faith for my own life:

“You must increase, I must decrease” – from John the Baptist in John 3:30

“I am powerless, and I don’t know what to do. But my eyes are on You” – from Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:12

“I ask for wisdom and knowledge to lead these people” – from Solomon in 2 Chronicles 1:10
…

We should rightly consider again the prayer of Jabez in 1 Chronicles 4:10.

Plus we can never go wrong with the prayer that His Son taught us to pray in Matthew 6:9-13.

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

The Great Editor

Jesus, says Hebrews 12:2, is the “author” or founder of our faith. He is writing our story. He is also the “finisher” or perfecter of that story. He will complete what He has started. And He is free to edit out anything we try to add in. Jesus has sovereign rights as the Great Editor.

…

I have a tendency, especially when preaching, to say too much. It has been properly diagnosed as “logorrhea” or “verbal dysentery.” I now believe Jesus seeks to cure me.

Several years back, a godly church member named Joel called me up and offered to bring lunch to my office. He said he also wanted to discuss my recent sermon series. After arriving, he got straight to the point: “Paul, you have a problem. I know, because I had a similar problem. You talk way too fast, and you speak way too long. It makes your message lose its power.” Though it stung at first—I am so thankful he loved me enough to share this. It has honed the way I seek to communicate.

After our discussion, I sought further counsel on the issue. My friend Jerry echoed the sentiments. He offered up pride as a reason for my apparent need to keep on preaching. He suggested a lack of trust in the Spirit’s power to finish what He begins.

From this, I set out to study more on what the Bible had to say. It is not silent on the topic. When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent (Proverbs 10:19). More than just in preaching, the heart of the matter is — saying too much can be a foolish thing, leading to sin. For a dream comes with much business, and a fool's voice with many words (Ecclesiastes 5:3).

Moreover, we will be judged for the words we speak. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36). The way of wisdom is, as follows: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19).

When Jesus was caught in the crossfire of the religious leaders, he exemplified such wisdom. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him (John 8:4-9). There is definitely something to be said for the “man of few words.”

The Village Church has posted manuscripts of all my past sermons there on their website. It has been a humbling exercise to read over them even now, to pray and ask: “Lord, what would you have me to edit out?”

I also think back to the days following 9/11, when the economic downturn impacted giving to radio ministries. One of my favorite preachers is Joseph Stowell, former president of Moody Bible. His radio program was forced to take a 15-minute time slot, as opposed to the usual 30-minute offering.

During this season, he reflected: “I have been required to ask myself—if I only have 15 minutes to share, what will I say that communicates the truth of God in love and power? It has made me submit every word I speak to the Spirit of God. I have learned to say more by saying less. And it has been the most fruitful preaching of my career.” Indeed, his messages carried at least twice the impact in half the time. The intentionality of the sermons brought richness and clarity.

Here, I manuscript all of my sermons. This allows Pastor Lee to view it prior to delivery. On Sunday, I preach slowly, so that those learning English can better understand my words. Pastor Lee then offers a line-by-line Korean translation. Given the length of service, my sermon should not exceed 25 minutes. This means my manuscript can be about a page and a half—maximum. It has been a truly challenging process, yet with powerful results. I have been humbled.

More than sermons, Jesus wants to edit my daily life. Words are simply overflow of my heart. This week, I am preaching from Luke 10, the story of Mary and Martha. Martha was “distracted with much serving,” as well as “anxious and troubled by many things.” Yet Jesus says only one thing is necessary. He tells her to choose the good portion, which cannot be taken from her. He wants her to simply sit at His feet, and let all her frivolous worries fall upon the cutting room floor. The Great Editor wants to remind her of the simple truth of the gospel: By grace we have been saved through faith. And this is not our own doing. It is the gift of God.

I deem it only appropriate that I keep this blog post shorter than usual. I better stop now…lest I say too much.

Counting My Blessings

Some books are like heart surgery. As you read them, you feel the pierce of the scalpel, cutting away at the core issues, working to restore wholeness. You come out a stronger person because of the experience. I am reading just such a book right now.

My dear friend Andrew gifted me Champagne for the Soul. In this book, Mike Mason has done a masterful job of convincing (moreover, convicting) me that: “Joy is a biblical commandment.” He has also driven home a truth that began to sink in several months ago as I read Learning to Be Last by Fairbanks and Toler. They wrote: “Contentment does not make you grateful. Rather, it is gratitude that makes you contented.”

Of course, I know that books like these only carry such power because they are rooted in the word of God: “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice…Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content” (Philippians 4:4,11).

Though I am not finished reading it yet (as Mason intends for the book to be a ninety-day experiment in joy), there are already several quotes worth pondering further and sharing:

“Now ask for yourself: what is the gospel? Keep asking until the answer that comes provokes an eruption of joy” (Chapter 5).

“Yet full repentance is a joyful act in itself. If we’re not joyful, we haven’t finished repenting. The sign that we’ve repented well is happiness, as God consumes our sacrifice of sorrow and exchanges it for joy” (Chapter 7).

“What we lack as Christians isn’t just the will to believe the gospel, but the will to be happy about what we believe. Indeed our lack of joy is a sign of unbelief” (Chapter 10).

“Be happy now! If you can’t find happiness in the present moment, you never will. Joy isn’t around some corner—it’s here” (Chapter 12).

“Unhappiness is not primarily a product of pain and hardship, but of resisting the will of God…Besides being orthodox (having right doctrine), we must also be ortho-pathic, a word that means ‘having right feelings’” (Chapter 15).

I remember when we used to sing the hymn Count Your Blessings at Shiloh Baptist Church. We would sing the chorus until a certain point: “Count your blessings; name them one by one…” We would wait for someone to share a word of thanks and praise before closing out: “Count your many blessings; see what God hath done.”

Lately, I have been asking the Lord to grant me faith to seek a joy that is full: “Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full” (John 16:24). I desire to be a joy-full person.

I have also asked Him to whisper to my heart the secret shared with the Apostle Paul (Philippians 4:12). In that, I have come to see that the Father has given everything I need to be thankful and joyful because He has given us Christ—“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). And, lately, I have found myself counting blessings to stay rooted and grounded in that love (Ephesians 3:14-21). Let me name them one by one. I am thankful for:

1.) My roommate, Young Gwang. I have had my fair share of amazing roommates over the years. He is no exception. A few weeks ago, he offered to take us out for dinner, to help brighten up my tough week. The first place we tried, we got a little turned around looking for it. So, we headed to a second location—which ended up being closed for the night. The third restaurant was found to be shut down completely, with not even a sign in place. After all this, we decided to go to McDonalds. He got take-out, but when he handed me the drinks, I missed a bag. And I dropped Coke all over his center console. All we could do was laugh about it. He kindly said: “It could have been worse. We could have dropped the hamburgers.” We returned home and ate what we had left, together.

2.) Youth Bible Study. We are enjoying average attendance of about 12 youth every Sunday now. Mostly, it is boys. This is amazing, since many young men stay away from church, and women carry most of the load in local churches these days. I am asking the Lord to rise up strong men for the church in Korea.

3.) Church members. Despite my woeful Korean, they continually extend great kindness, including thoughtful gifts, delicious food, dinner invitations, and encouragement.

4.) Paychecks. It feels good to be earning, tithing, giving, spending, and saving again. I am not feeling the weight of pending medical bills or dwindling savings. What a blessing!

5.) iTunes. Music is the language of the heart, and I am grateful for my iPod. Moreover, I can rent movies and TV shows now, which has kept me feeling connected.

6.) Care packages and technology. I have received several care packages since being here. I don’t have to wait six months for a letter to come by boat. Instead, I get a box of goodies within a week! And I can talk live with friends and family via Skype, while keeping up to speed on their life via Facebook.

7.) Friends all over the world. I have stayed connected with friends in the US, Romania, China, Australia, England, Kenya, and even more to name. I have a piece of my heart on every continent, except Antarctica. Though I do love penguins.

8.) Good food (and daring menus). I get to expand my palate while eating interesting and often delicious food here such as spicy octopus or shrimp pizza (with sweet potato-stuffed crust). The food here is anything but boring and bland!

9.) Beautiful weather. It has been gorgeous here recently. I sleep with the window open at night. I love the fresh air. Mind you, that also means bright neon lights, curious insects, constant traffic, noisy pedestrians, crowing roosters, chirping crickets, loud cabbies, barking dogs, and more. But, after putting on bug spray, the rest becomes a kind of city symphony, serenading me to sleep each night.

10.) You, for reading. I am thankful and honored that several have kept following my time here, noting ways to pray for me while perusing my thoughts. I am reminded of Psalm 8:4, where David stands humbled before God – “What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” In the same way, I wonder: “Who am I, that people would love and care for me so beautifully?” I count you a blessing.

Slow Fade

One of my college literature professors used to encourage us to look for the Christ figure within the novel. He believed that the character and person of Jesus (as portrayed in and by the saving grace, the redeeming force, the intercessor, the unjustly condemned, the constant lover, the willing sacrifice, the suffering servant) can be found in most any great story. They range from the blatant to the less obvious, including Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia, Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, Jim Casey in The Grapes of Wrath, and the whisky priest in The Power and the Glory.

Lately, I have been fascinated by what could be called the Judas figure. It began when I stumbled upon a few verses that I haven’t read in a while. They got me wondering if there has been a figure more tragic in the whole of human history than Judas Iscariot.

But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples (he who was about to betray him), said, “Why was this ointment not sold for three hundred denarii and given to the poor?” He said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and having charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it. (John 12:4-6)

Something about this passage spoke to a burning question that has always been with me—how did Judas descend from disciple of Jesus to betrayer of the Christ? It seems that it all began with putting his hand into a moneybag. And this is how it ended:

Then when Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he changed his mind and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” They said, “What is that to us? See to it yourself.” And throwing down the pieces of silver into the temple, he departed, and he went and hanged himself. (Matthew 27:3-5)

After meditating on these verses one night, I woke up in the morning with a song in my heart. It was Slow Fade by Casting Crowns. The chorus goes as follows:

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day…It's a slow fade

I only have a few English television channels here, and one of them is amusingly titled Super Action Channel. One weekend, they were having a marathon of “movies you will like.” It began with Star Wars, Episode III: Return of the Sith and continued with The Dark Knight. I was immediately arrested by the Judas figures within both stories.

I believe that few of us will relate to the pure evil personified by Emperor Palpatine and the Joker. Most of us cannot fathom, or stand for, or stomach a comparison to the devil or to Hitler. However, I think we can all sympathize with the tragic downfall of Anakin Skywalker and Harvey Dent, who became Darth Vader and Two-Face, respectively.

They both began as disciples of good. They were fighting on the right side. They were viewed as heroes—as possible messiahs, in their own right. They were perceived as strong, as unflappable in the face of evil. They became moral compasses for those around them. However, they also faced sudden loss. Anakin watched his mother die in his arms. Harvey overheard his fiancée die in an explosion. They became consumed by the understandable anger one endures when losing precious earthly relationships and seemingly harmless attachments. Soon, that anger gave way to doubt. They began to question those around them. “Why didn’t they do more to prevent this suffering? Why even join the side of good if they are powerless to stop evil?” They eventually gave audience to that evil, in way of Darth Sidious and the Joker.

Anakin gave in to the familiar lie: “They are holding something back from you. They do not have your best in mind.” He wanted power and control, and he was willing to leave behind conviction to pursue it. Harvey was blindsided by the seeming randomness of suffering, and he abandoned the truths of greater purpose and justice for the allures of chance. He began flipping a coin to solve his now “meaningless” dilemmas.

Somewhere too along the way, Judas began making compromises. He stuck his hand into the bag. Maybe he pulled back at first. But soon, his character changed. He no longer cared about others. He only cared about himself. He had become a thief. Soon, that thief began wanting even more. He willingly betrayed Jesus for a bag of silver. In the end, he became a traitor and accomplice to murder. Then he woke up to the horror of the slow fade—to who he had finally become. It was more than he could bear.

We then find one of the most striking and tragic juxtapositions in history. In one scene, we see the perfect, innocent Son of God, hanging on the cross, taking upon the sins of the world. In another, we see His traitor, hanging from a tree, overcome by his selfish acts. The Christ figure stands in stark contrast to the Judas figure. In the final chapter, true character is revealed, and choices reach their conclusions.

The most haunting thing about the Judas figure, in history and in story, is that we all have the potential to become him. We must watch our lives and our doctrine closely (1 Timothy 4:16)—to be careful, lest we fall (Hebrews 3:12). After all, we don’t find ourselves staring at pure evil at the start. No, it is a downward spiral; a terrifyingly sluggish transformation; a slow but sure evolution—that all begins with dipping our hand in the water, looking for just a while longer, simply tasting of the fruit. Then, one day down the road, we awake to look in the mirror, to see what we’ve become…

Perhaps the descent is accelerated by unresolved conflict, or unexpected circumstances, or unrealistic expectations. In another sense, those things only come to reveal what lies deep within our hearts already. We have a long history of turning our backs on Jesus and pursuing our own agendas. We are a rebellious people.

Yet we are not left without hope. The potential of the Judas life can be conquered by the power of the Christ life. The corrupted can be swallowed up by the incorruptible. Even those of us who have made the compromises, and today find ourselves to be thieves, murderers, “blasphemers, persecutors, and insolent opponents” can find this saying true and worthy of acceptance: “Jesus Christ came to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” I marvel that the “grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 1:12-17).

Nevertheless, I am very much sobered by the story (and seeming rebuke) of the Judas figure. People never crumble in a day. It’s a slow fade, from putting your hand in the disciple’s moneybag to throwing down the traitor’s coin purse in utter shame. Prices will be paid. Will we daily trust in the One who paid the ultimate price for us?

Are You Weary?

Lately, I have been confronted with the question: “Am I weary?” If I am honest, I can say that I have been feeling wearied by the work before me here—coupled with the inner conflicts that one faces when living in a culture that is not your own. My friend Jamie sent me a very timely reminder via an encouragement card: “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

I have seen even more promptings from the Spirit to “not give up.” I received an email from another friend who wrote this prayer for me: “Father, I pray for my brother Paul, that You will provide him with energy and strength for the work You have set before him. That this day he would have everything he needs of you to do the task that you have set before him. That even when the work is exhausting that it would fill him with joy and contentment at the end of the day. I pray for the joy of visible, tangible fruit to be evidently seen. I pray for quiet moments of rest and rejuvenation.”

Recently, my amazing aunt Diana commented: “Love ya Paul. Keep up the GOOD works.” My best friend Jim emailed: “I hope and pray you are seeing some of the fruits of your labor.” I am always humbled when the Spirit leads the saints to encourage me so specifically—a sure sign that He knows my situation, hears my prayers, and uses others to share my burdens. Everything keeps coming back to Galatians 6:9—to keep going, to expect harvest, to trust in the strength that He provides.

I wasn’t completely surprised then when the first hymn we sang today at church was: “Are You Weary?” The series of questions that the lyrics pose speak to feelings that we all face as we seek to serve the Lord this side of heaven.

Are you weary, are you heavy-hearted? This is on the days when you feel tired and overwhelmed by the work set before you, and you cannot find rest. Your soul feels drained, and you think: “Maybe I should just stay in bed or throw in the towel!”

Are you grieving over joys departed? This is on the days when you think to yourself: “Life was so much better when…” You look backward, perhaps wishing you were still in Egypt, instead of wandering a wilderness to a seemingly far off Promised Land.

Do the tears flow down your cheeks unbidden? This is on the days when you feel a deep sadness, and you do not have the words to express it. You weep, and you feel that it’s rain from the storm raging in your heart.

Have you sins that to men’s eyes are hidden? This is on the days when, confronted with guilt and shame, you think to yourself: “If anyone saw what I am thinking right now, how could they ever love me? Am I even a Christian?” The weight of sin blinds you to the glory of the gospel, and you have yet to be shocked again by amazing grace. For me, there is the added: “I am a pastor and a missionary! How much of a hypocrite am I?”

Do you fear the gathering clouds of sorrow? This is on the days when you are waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. You wake up seeing the world only through the lenses of pain and suffering, not through the eyes of faith and hope.

Are you anxious what shall be tomorrow? This is on the days when you are consumed by what is going to happen next—what you will eat, what you will wear, where you will go. You don’t have answers, and the questions (plus bills) keep piling up. The worries of this life cloud the promises of the next—and hide the One who Promises.

Are you troubled at the thought of dying? This is on the days when, assaulted by doubt, you wonder: “Is this whole thing a silly fairy tale? Is God real, or am I wasting my life on chasing the wind?” You question: “Is there really a heaven? And am I really on the path that leads there? Will I close my eyes in this life, only to open my eyes to the light of the next—or will there only be darkness?”

For Christ’s coming kingdom are you sighing? This is on the days when you look up to the heavens and say, “Lord, come quickly! Please come back and rescue us from this broken world!” And you just keep staring at the clouds—waiting for the sky to break open and the sound of a trumpet to blast forth…

Please know, that when I use the universal “you,” I am of course speaking from the overflow of my own heart. In my six months of being here, I have experienced each of the days listed above. I also know that I am not alone in feeling these things. The truly amazing thing in all of this, as I have been reminded again and again lately—the Lord is not thrown off His throne by our doubts, fears, questions, and grief. In fact, as the hymn refrain encourages us, we do not have to hide it. Instead, we can:

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus,
He is a Friend that’s well known.
You’ve no other such a friend or brother,
Tell it to Jesus alone.

I did a study this week on the word “weary” as it is used throughout the scriptures. I was encouraged to wait for renewed strength (Isaiah 40:27-31). And, as I am waiting, I can consider Jesus. “Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted” (Hebrews 12:3).

I was also invited to come to Jesus. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

To me, that sounds pretty good right about now—sweet rest and light burdens. I think I will take Him up on that offer. After all, I cannot deny the emails, the prayers, the hymns, and the daily reminders—all pointing me back to Galatians: “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

The Sheep of My Pasture

This week was a week of endings. We finished up our summer language camp. I also completed a 7-week student Bible study on the Good Shepherd. From Psalm 23, we learned that Jesus feeds us. He gives us rest. He heals us. He guides us. He blesses us, gives us shelter, and defends us. We are His sheep, and we are loved.

As I had a chance to reflect on summer camp today, I realized how much I learned about shepherding. Working with children does share some commonality with tending sheep. The children would often get dirty or become smelly. They would bring back pocketfuls of sand and offer dead bugs as gifts. At the water park, I lined up all the muddy little boys and sprayed them down with a water hose.

They would be needy, tired, and hungry. They would claim to struggle with a lesson, just so I would come beside them and give them individual attention. They would get “ouchies” that required bandages and hugs. They would skip eating lunch to play with their friends, only to demand a snack as soon as we returned to class.

They would wander off into trouble, and I truly could not avert my eyes. We joked that the children understood “break time” to mean “go and find something to break.” They would be curious (forget alone time) and noisy (forget quiet time). Some days, they would be whiny, stubborn, and obstinate. In fact, they reminded me a lot of myself! They are, after all, little grown-ups. Or, maybe, we are still big kids.

The camp took every ounce of creativity that I have. I feel that, by the grace of God, we accomplished more with sticks and rocks than many schools do with laptops and blu-ray. We weren’t content to numb their minds and keep them busy. We were attempting to engage their hearts and make them come alive. Don’t get me wrong. We did manage to piece together a much-appreciated movie day (for the teachers anyway). But, more than anything, the children wanted me to get down and play with them.

All in all, I realized again how much energy and love it takes to care for the sheep of your pasture. I was reminded how important it is to be a constant and engaged presence. I had to overcome my pride and work through my selfishness. It was so important for me to show up and be there. I had to coach myself through the struggles and remind myself daily of the goal.

I have gained a whole new appreciation for teachers. I am not teaching in a traditional school setting here. I am a teacher at a hakwon, an after-school academy that is still a vital part of the Korean education system. The students attend hakwons to further their studies in various subjects. Yet, I get a daily taste of the joys and challenges that teachers face. We should truly value the role of teachers in our societies.

I also gained a whole new respect for what parents do each day. It really is a humbling calling, a daunting task, and a sanctifying experience to shepherd a child well. Really, I think it impossible to do without Christ, who strengthens us! Moreover, I am thankful for parents who were always there—we love me and support me still.

Finally, I gained a whole new admiration for women. Here, women carry most of the burden in the home, at the schools, and in the church. As tired as I was each day, the women around me performed their jobs well and still returned home to tend to their families. I marvel at the ability of women to lead children with such energy, efficiency, and effectiveness. On top of that, they do it with compassion and creativity. Something in my spirit became horrified that women throughout the centuries have been objectified, belittled, demeaned, and abused, when they should be praised and cherished.

As teachers, we also learned a lot of things about running a camp like this. We will do some things differently next time. Yet, at the end of the day, for me and our church—we hope these students come to know that they are His sheep, and they are loved.

Below are the sheep of my pasture. The top picture is the beginner level class. The bottom picture is the advanced level class. You can see that the majority of advanced English speakers are girls. Another lesson: never underestimate the power of little girls to learn to chatter non-stop in any language! And how appropriate that the head of a little stray sheep shows up at the bottom corner of one of the pictures…

By Name

We are in the thick of our English Village summer camp. Here’s the logistics: over thirty students, just two teachers; a range of topics to cover, only three weeks to do it. It’s been quite a ride. On our first morning, it took an hour just to do introductions and get to know each other by name.

Last week, I taught about buying an airplane ticket and visiting a new country. Our chosen destination: Texas, USA! At that time, we also went around the room and helped each student decipher their full name in English. I used my own passport as an example and said aloud: “My full name is Paul Friedrich Matthies.” Upon saying it, it felt vaguely strange yet refreshing. I haven’t heard my full name spoken in months.

My friends and students here have a difficult time pronouncing English names correctly (and vice versa). The closest they come to my name is “pull” or “pool.” They don’t even attempt Matthies. Though, when playing the card game Crazy Eights, they discovered that my name sounds similar to the Korean word for eight (8 = pal/팔). The name of the game then became Crazy Teacher Pool in my honor.

In Texas, I would often hear my friends call out “Hey Paul Matthies” in the church halls or at social gatherings. I had forgotten, until recently, how great it is to be called by name.

My dear friend Ashlee sent me a care package last week. She was in Texas visiting family, before returning to her own work in Thailand, at the border of Burma. When I opened the package, I discovered that she had taken the time to make a hand-crafted nameplate for me. I was deeply touched. I immediately found a place for it. Now, when I close my bedroom door at night, tired and weary on this lonely journey, I will always remember that I am known by name. Looking at that name plate, I was also comforted again by a theme verse for me: “Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me” (John 16:32).

When I was living in China, my faithful friends Julie and Gina also sent me a very personalized care package. In it, they included colored paper with Bible verses that they had written out and decorated by hand. The note read: “We have been praying over these passages for you.” How amazing to know that I was being prayed for by name! (In return, I would ask you to pray for Gina’s family by name—her mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Please lift up the Pavlicek’s.)

My thoughts this past week have also gone to the importance of “calling upon the name of the Lord.” In our daily need, all we need do is call upon His name, and He will answer and set our feet upon a rock. And we don’t just pray to any name for God. He is not a “Great Life Force” or “Buddha” or “Muhammad.” No, we pray in the name of Jesus—the revealed Messiah, the true son of God, the savior of the world. “And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).

So wonderfully sweet it is that Jesus, the good shepherd, in turn knows each of us by name! He has counted the hairs on our heads and knows where the sparrow falls. “To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out” (John 10:3). We are known and loved.

I am also reminded that it is the call of our lives—those of us who, known by name, also call upon His great name—to become a voice for the voiceless and to give a name to the nameless. First, we go and tell the good news to those who have not heard. Then, we come back to our communities and use whatever platforms we have to share the stories of saints around the world. While visiting the IDP camp in Kenya, I was moved by what I saw. Though their lives had endured terrible trials, their hearts still carried deep faith. We asked one of the elders, “Joseph, what can we do to serve the people here?” He simply replied, “Tell our story.” He trusted in the Lord to provide from there.

There are men in the fields, women in the huts, and children in the streets who simply desire for someone to learn their name, befriend them, and share their story—as their hearts also providentially long to hear the good news, call upon the name of the Lord, and become a friend of God. How will they hear without a preacher? It then becomes crucial for us at the Church to also support those who have left behind “making a name for themselves” to go, make disciples, and become a voice for the voiceless.

Sadly, in some church settings, the voiceless get neglected due to the politics, agendas, selfishness, and legalism. And now, in the modern time’s mega-church, the people who serve as their voices often get pushed aside due to the many requests, time constraints, corporate outlook, and creative control. Names get lost in the numbers. Raw and gritty stories get swallowed up in polished and pretty stages. So we, as the Body of Christ, should also use whatever personal pulpits and platforms we have to speak out.

In my previous post entitled Heroes (click "Older Posts" below), I listed the names of those who inspire me by being the salt and light of the world. For my part, I have a beautiful nameplate on my door to remind me that I am prayed for by name. When you have a moment, would you also serve me by praying for them and writing their stories on your heart as well?

Heroes

This may be a very small offering given the magnitude of their impact in my own life (and the lives of many others), but I would like to share by name some of my heroes. These people have given up the comfort of the familiar to become ambassadors of Christ to those who have been abused, ignored, forgotten, and left voiceless. I have the privilege of calling each of these people my friend, and I trust the work they are doing. Perhaps we may not be in a season to go ourselves, but we can play a part by supporting those who are. I invite you to know them by name. (Please read my next post, entitled By Name, to better understand what a blessing that is.)

Ashlee Massengale is currently working in Thailand to care for street children living in poverty and daily at risk of sex trafficking, abuse, and crime. She helps operate drop-in centers that provide education, food, care, training, and advocacy. You can learn more about her and her sending organization Compasio at:
http://www.siamashlee.com/.

JD & Kacy Neinast are living in Danli, Honduras, working as teachers at a local school. Recently, God has given them a vision to build an orphanage. Though the plan is still in its infancy, they hope to take in unwanted boys perceived as having “too many issues” to care for. You can read more about their life and calling at:
http://kacy-elizabeth.xanga.com/.

Bob & Julie Mendonsa are serving in Kenya, where Bob provides medical care for children and Julie teaches at a school. Their family has endeavored to build Naomi’s Village—a home for children orphaned and abandoned following recent political conflict. Many of these children currently live in tents on the side of the road. You can read more about their journey at:
http://www.mendonsamissions.com/.

You don’t have to move overseas to become a voice. My friends Ty & Mande Clark have started Veritas, an art fashion company that promotes community. In an industry where “name” is everything, they selflessly promote other artists and global causes. In response, they have been gifted with unique opportunities to touch the lives of those who have been outcast, whether home or abroad. You can see more of their work and passion at:
http://www.liveveritas.com/.

Time and space doesn’t allow for me to fully detail the work of other heroes like Shane & Allyson Smith in Ethiopia:
(http://www.smithsinethiopia.com/)
or Jason & Tess Clarke in DFW:
(http://www.freecityinternational.org/).

But believe me when I say—it is worth your time to read about each of their life’s work, as they give of themselves to reach others.

The Stock Market

Last Friday, one of the members of our church invited me and the other staff members for dinner at a nearby restaurant. Before arriving, Pastor Lee and Principal Yu met a sound engineer at the church sanctuary to solve our soundboard issues. Grateful for his work and a job well done, they invited the engineer to join us.

Naturally, our dinnertime conversation steered toward church. Soon the question was posed to the sound engineer: “Do you have a church home? Would you like to join us one Sunday?” He replied that many churches invite him, but he does not have any firm beliefs. His mother is very religious, though not a Christian. And lately, he has had to work every day to support his wife and young family. In fact, he recently began investing his money in the stock market to try to increase his profits.

It wasn’t a staff member who decided to engage the young man. It was the member of our church—a traditionally quiet, yet always kind man. He began to offer his testimony (as translated to me by Teacher Park, the new teacher at our school):

“Several years ago, I also began investing in the stock market. I would sit at my computer all day, and often stay up all night, watching the market rise and fall. I would average about 3 hours of sleep a night. If I saw the stock price falling, I would panic. I did not make any money. Then, I began to put my hope in God. I felt calm. I began to make a lot of money. In fact, I made enough money to retire for the rest of my life. But I now know that it is God’s money. If He wants me to give it all away, I will do it. He can make me rich again if He wants to. He will continue to give wisdom if I ask for it.”

With that, the church member spent the next half hour offering this young man some practical advice on how to navigate the stock market with success. By the end, the young man said he had never experienced such a warm environment before, and he would seriously consider the invitation to worship with us.

…

I think this scene will be forever etched in my heart and mind. It may seem like a simple dinner conversation. But I was struck by several elements. First of all, it was the church member who reached out to the young man. Surrounded by pastors, he could have thought: “I’ll pass the buck to someone who is paid to talk about God.” Instead, he saw that he was the perfect person to lend a voice to the sound engineer’s questions.

Secondly, I was amazing by the church member’s generosity. He bought dinner for us all. He also shared his heart with the young man. He gave spiritual and practical wisdom with patience and precision. It was a picture of discipleship. An older man giving all that he had to a younger man. Incredibly, it was their first time to meet.

Finally, the content of his testimony spoke to my own heart. The image of the stock market rising and falling, with the corresponding actions and reactions of the heart, resonated within me. These past few years have had their ups and downs. When the times have been good, I have felt unbelievably happy. When the times have been tough, I have felt undeniably depressed. I, too, have shared in the rise and the fall.

When moving to South Korea, I found myself asking the question: “Lord, what have these last several years been about?” I felt my time here would give some perspective in it all. This dinner scene came during my vacation week, when I had been asking for continued clarity. And I felt the Lord asking me some questions in response to my own.

I found myself pondering, “What is controlling my heart?” I thought—if I feel like I am living on a roller coaster, maybe I am still putting too much hope in my circumstances. The Apostle Paul once wrote: “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13).

I continued to reason—perhaps I should also be careful not to trust in my feelings, but should look more to His leading. Moses once proclaimed to the people of Israel: “And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 8:2-3).

That’s when I felt a sudden clarity. The Lord seemed to reveal what these last few years have been about: learning to bring glory to Him through intimacy with His Son and obedience to His Spirit—no matter what. It was a much-desired light bulb moment given during what has been a dark night of the soul. I found calm in my troubled spirit.

I also reconsidered, “What am I investing in?” A friend of mine recently quoted her pastor as saying, “I doubt you will look back on your life and wish you had watched more television.” As Christians, we hope to give ourselves to those things which last eternally. It is thus wise to regularly examine the fruit of our life investments—not to obsess over them, but to again submit them to the Lord. Are we maximizing our gifts and talents? Are we building on the foundation with gold, silver and precious jewels—or wood, hay, and straw (1 Corinthians 3:10-15)? Are we seeing gains for the kingdom?

I remember a conversation with a friend who taught me about ROI—“return on investment.” It brought new light to Jeremiah 17:7-8, which says: ““Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” When we trust in the Lord, we continually enjoy returns. We can afford to be generous. We will not exhaust His resources, and our hope is not in the physical.

When I returned from China, a friend took me to dinner. He asked me, “What was the best moment of your time there?” I shared that, on my last day, one of the Chinese guys from my Bible study gave me a note. In it, he shared that he had come to faith in Christ because of our study group, which he said was “like a family to him.” Then, my friend asked, “What has been difficult about coming back to the US?” I told him I was feeling the weight of my circumstance at the time—no job, no car, no permanent home. He then said something profound: “I bet—if you added up two years worth of salary, the price of your car, and the worth of all the possessions you sold to move to China—you would spend it all again to purchase your friend’s soul, if that was possible.”

I was again confronted with the question, what is a soul worth? I would give anything to see a friend saved—though I do not have enough to give. Fortunately, the true Savior did give His life so that we may be redeemed. Which also begs the question, what do we feel our own soul is worth? Jesus once asked: “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul” (Mark 8:36)? It is a tragically poor investment to sell our precious souls to the devil to obtain the empty lies of this world.

My final meditation came from the chapter “Wilderness Worth-ship” in Michael Card’s book, A Sacred Sorrow. It is the question, “What is God worth?” After listing several biblical miracles during the days of Moses, he writes: “In these and numerous other instances, it was powerfully (yet not convincingly, for them) demonstrated to the people what their God was worth. And that is the central issue of worship: What is God worth? In fact, the first primitive form of the word was worth-ship.”

God is worthy. He is worthy on my good days and my bad days. He is worth my trust. Giving it to Him will always result in fruitfulness. He has purchased my soul from the grave. Every opportunity to serve Him is worth putting stock into. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is golden. His worth demands my everything. Though the stock market may rise and fall—Christ has risen, and He has conquered the fall. Amen.