Lingering Questions

One of my middle school students stopped in the middle of our lesson, when a serious look came upon her face. She said: “I have something I want to ask you.” I smiled, as if to show her that questions are always welcome, and replied: “Sure, what do you want to know?” She asked me: “Paul, what are you doing here?”

The question struck me as a little vague. After all, did she mean: having had chances to live and serve in other countries, what am I doing in South Korea now? Did she wonder: how exactly did I come in contact with Evergreen Church and English Village? Or did she intend to ask: what am I doing in a city like Suwon, when most foreigners prefer to live and teach in bustling Seoul?

I answered her question with another: “Could you be a little more specific? What do you mean?” She said, “I mean, why are you here?” Once again, her lack of inflection didn’t help me to understand her intentions any further. Was it, “why are you here?” or “why are you here?” or “why are you here?”

So I asked again: “Well, do you mean…?” She cut me off with a curt: “Never mind. Just asking.” I decided not to fish any further. After all, it seemed she was content to simply deliver the question…as if I was the one who was supposed to sit with it.
…

Why are you here? The question has stuck with me. In fact, after leaving class that night, it hit me like a ton a bricks. I thought: “What was that all about?” And I wondered: Did the Lord just use one of my students to break into my day, to get my attention?

In some sense, it touches upon a deeper search for purpose. Why am I here? I think the right answer would be: to live in and share the love of Christ. But, then again, I can’t help but probe further into my life: am I really being faithful to pursue the purposes that God has set out for me? Or do I still try to serve lesser gods, including myself?

Paul once said: “I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I have received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God” (Acts 20:24). Can I say the same in my life’s calling?

On the other hand, the question is tinged with sadness for me, as it exposes a very real issue of faith. Why am I here? Truth be told, the road home from China (in 2008) was a bumpy one. It began with a tough transition back to Texas. In my first few months home, I suffered from shingles in my ear and across my face. I watched my health and savings account decline. Add in a lemon car, following a raw deal, and I eventually saw my savings evaporate.

I was blessed to get a job after a long season of unemployment (in 2009). I worked at Primero Foods, where I helped administrate sales and distribution of Tex-Mex food. That season ended right before leading a team to Kenya. Those events (seemingly random, at times) would also spur me on to look for work overseas again. And here I am (in 2010)…

Do I really believe that no season has been wasted—moreover, that each leg of the race has been sovereignly ordained for me, no matter how “off the course” it feels?

My favorite singer right now is Susan Boyle. In an original song written for her, called “Who I Was Born to Be,” she sings: “Though I may not know the answers, I can finally say I’m free. And if the questions led me here, then I am who I was born to be.”

That’s a beautiful and freeing thought—that it may be the questions of life that lead us and grant us perspective at times…not just the answers. I know that my life (moreover, I believe all of our lives) is fraught with questions. Why this? Why that?

It can be a good and healthy thing to ask questions. They can rightly lead us into deeper relationship with the Lord, deeper connection with others, and deeper knowledge of self. John Calvin once wrote: “Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God. With no knowledge of God there is no true knowledge of self.”

Yet, on days that I am overwhelmed by the lingering questions, I cling to the tried and true wisdom of Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Sometimes, we just have to sit with the questions.

I likewise rest in the knowledge that the Lord has used questions to lead His children since the beginning of creation. When the Lord asks a question, it isn’t for lack of His understanding. No, it is always designed to bring us back to reality—His reality.

“Adam, where are you?”
“Eve, what is this you have done?”
“Cain, where is your brother? What have you done?”
“Hagar, where have you come from, and where are you going?”
“Elijah, what are you doing here?”
“Job, where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth…?”
“Isaiah, whom shall I send? Who will go for us?”
“Baruch, do you seek great things for yourself?”
“Jonah, do you do right to be angry?”
“Disciples, who do you say that I am? Do you also wish to go away?”
“Simon, do you love me?”
“Saul, why are persecuting me?”

Still today, it is from His holy word that He strongly, yet tenderly asks all of us: “How shall you escape if you neglect such a great salvation” (Hebrews 2:3)?

I also cling to the promise of Jesus in John 16:22-23 – “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, He will give it to you.”

It is not immediately clear if Jesus means that He will answer all our lingering questions in heaven, or if they will simply be swallowed up in the majesty of His presence. I am not sure we will care at that moment. For, it will likely have been the questions that helped lead us there.