Yet, if I can be vulnerable, I am haven’t found myself full of love about this transition. I wouldn’t call my feelings “dread.” Though I would name it fear.
I am not sure where I thought I would be by now. But I am not there. Really, I had hoped to be on a mountain peak during this season, not found in a valley. These past several years have been, from my limited view for now, ripe with setbacks.
I wanted to be further along in many areas of life. And I am filled with an urge to “do something” about that. As if, somehow I can make up for lost time…
By His grace, I have been reminded a lot this week about His caring command: “Be not afraid.” It brings me great comfort to know that, as my friend Joy said in a brilliant blog last Christmas, He knows it’s going to be scary down here!
That command—“be not afraid”—is said to be used, in some form of the phrase, 366 times in the Bible. That’s one for every day of the year, including leap day. While that is tough to verify, it is certain that the command to “be not afraid” is used more than the command to “love.”
You see, according to the Scriptures, perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). So when God says “do not be afraid” in His Word, He also means to say “because I love you.” The good news for us—for me—is that, in light of John’s teaching, we know that the opposite of fear is love. God isn’t saying “don’t be a wuss…grow a spine!” His command to cast out fear is yet another way He expresses His love for us. He is really saying: “be not afraid…be loved.”
He’s not asking me to do anything. He’s asking me to receive something. He is willing to give the gift of faith—the courage to be loved by Him, even in those moments when we feel like we had so much further to go than where we find ourselves now. And that gift brings a deeper trust that He is using all things for His glory and my good. No need to make up for lost time. I am exactly where He wants me—in need of Him.
Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid (John 14:27).”
My paraphrase: “Paul, today find yourself 30…and being loved by Me.” That, my friends, is an indescribable gift—fit for this birthday and perfect for my needs.
Thank you, Lord.
I love you too Paul! And I love your writing :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY
ReplyDeleteYou sound restless. There is a season for everything. Rest. He will have you busy soon enough.
ReplyDeletejanet
What if the thing that stirs up the fear is the love? What if we've been so broken by this world that love itself becomes terrorizing?
ReplyDeleteIf we were to all be honest before the Lord and before one another, we should say the same thing. You may never know just how much you have accomplished for the kingdom of God and during times such as these when you only seemed to be waiting in faith, until that day when you receive your reward. Stay faithful and cling to the forever secure hope that was won for you and asking for more of the Spirit each day! It will all be worth it Paul.
ReplyDeleteDearest Paul,
ReplyDeleteYou should call Jd and you guys can chat about turning thirty. Same feelings for him, and for both of us I think. I often struggle with feeling like I have not accomplished what I should have by this age, but I rest in knowing that while I may not be where I want to be, I am where God wants me to be, and His plan is perfect.
We love you, and we hope to see you soon!
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for that very real and profound question. I am not sure I can answer that question fully. But, I can speak from my own life. I have had a hard time receiving God's love. In the past, I have also been emotionally abused by a spiritual leader. Know that I am praying for you, and I understand brokenness!
For me, it began with realizing that God is not the world. His love is different than what the world gives. Perfect love casts out fear. The world gives imperfect love. God, however, loves us perfectly. The world promises lasting peace. But only God can give that. My counselor friend said, "We often look to people to give what only God can give, and blame God for what only people can do." That was very profound for me, in my life.
It also continued with realizing that what I needed more than anything was a Savior. I needed someone to help me. I was so broken, I could not do it on my own. That's when Jesus answered me, and He became a real friend to me. God's love was revealed when He sent His son He looked beyond me faults and saw my needs. I loved reading John in the Bible, especially the 3rd chapter. Jesus delivered me--and He delivered on His promises, to help me learn to love and trust again. But also He has given me wisdom to discern and protect my heart. That is different than hiding my heart. I have learned more how to love others because God has loved me.
Also, He has blessed me with great church friends--who pray for me and help me and hold me accountable. They have also been a great source of healing. It took turning to God first. Then, that led to trusting godly friends. And I hope, one day, this will continue to develop in even loving a spouse for the rest of my life!
I hope this answers your question in some small way. Please know, that Psalm 51 says He will always accept our broken hearts as a form of worship. If we have nothing else to give, He still accepts our tears. And that has been life-changing for me.
In Christ ~ Paul Matthies
And thank you, everyone, for the birthday love!
ReplyDeletePaul,
ReplyDeleteI find myself at age 47 thinking that there should be more to my life than what I see before me.
But you know what, I spent 46 years looking through the eyes of the flesh and measuring myself by the world's standards. . . . when the only real standard of measurement is who and what God is making me to be for His glory.
I want to wish you a Happy Birthday! You are dearly loved of God and by your many brothers and sisters.....oh what God has accomplished in you thus far in making you a source of inspiration for so many.
Blessings to you my dear brother.